In 2011, Chinese American professor Amy Chua released her memoir titled ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother’ which detailed her experiences raising two talented children.
From her parenting journey, Chua describes how she "trained" her eldest daughter to become a pianist prodigy, and her younger sister to become a talented violinist.
Her eldest daughter, Sophia, had been admitted to two of the most prestigious universities in the US, Harvard and Yale.
In the philosophy coined by Chua, which describes herself as a 'tiger mother', children are subjected to strict standards by their parents, meaning no TV, no video games, no gatherings with friends and no participating in fun activities at school.
It is hoped that these strict standards – which often include threats of violence and even physical punishment - would result in top marks at school.
While the philosophy may be familiar to some and far-fetched to others, it is often pondered within Vietnamese and other Asian communities, just how popular it is.
After Shua's book was published, a wave of debate ensued across a number of countries.
In China, the debate focused on the effectiveness and cruelty of this method.
In an online survey conducted by the China Youth Research Centre that attracted nearly 1800 participants, 95 per cent said they knew mothers who raised children using such strict methods.
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother's book cover (L) and the author Amy Chua (R) at the 2012 Time 100 gala. Source: David Shankbone on Flickr
Online surveys also showed that more people agreed with Chua's philosophy than offering criticism, as was the case by one by CNN.
But the question remains, why do many Asian parents, including those from the Vietnamese community, focus solely on academic success for their children and have such a strict parenting mindset?
It is the historical experiences of poverty and hunger that have created one or more generations of Vietnamese parents who put too much emphasis on their children's education, says Mai Pham, an Early Childhood Education researcher at Macquarie University.
"In the past, it was shown in books that Vietnamese children were free to roam on vacations, wander in the fields or somewhere. There are countless miracles recorded in the hearts of those children, later shared in literature, in stories.
“Even in extreme poverty in the Central region, parents would only tell their children that they should study hard so that they wouldn't be as poor as their parents, their children would learn by themselves," Ms Pham says.
"It was only later that there was a case of private tutoring, it became clear that many Vietnamese children were deprived of their childhood. The reason, I think, is that life is too precarious, education is the only way to ensure the future - the future that is to have food, not starving, and not be despised, so parents force their children to study."
According to Dr Van Tran, who is teaching translation and interpretation at Western Sydney University, it is the cultural environment in which parents are raised that leads them to embrace this philosophy.
"At first, I insisted, no, I'm not the mother of the Tiger. But to be honest, I lean more towards the ‘Tiger mother’ and not the other way around. This is easy to understand," Dr Tran recognises.
"Vietnamese culture is heavily influenced by Confucianism, Taoism, so [some say] ‘love it for the whip, hate it for the sweet’ or ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’.
“I was born and raised in Vietnam, brought up in an environment like this. So, I'm a product of that society, it's in my blood. Even though I went to study abroad, learned other methods, and tried to follow, it's very difficult to get rid of it completely.”
Ha Trang Doan Pham, who earned a master’s degree from Peking University and has lived for many years in China - which is considered the birthplace of the philosophy – says culture is a key factor.
"The reasons are many, but the first is the culture. Culture is influenced by Confucianism, hierarchical culture in society when parents and grandparents are always the ultimate, children must respect superiors.
“When there is an exchange or discussion between parents and children if the children dare to give opposing opinions to their parents, it is considered as ‘insolent’.”
Opposite to a ‘tiger mother’
Dr Van Tran and her family Source: Supplied
Unlike the tiger mother who is very controlling, there is a parenting style that focuses on experiences, independence, problem-solving, and adaptability to external risks.
The term “free-range kids” was coined by Lenore Skenazy, a journalist, speaker, blogger, and reality TV host, who told the story of letting her nine-year-old son find his way home on the subway in New York City.
According to Skenazy, children are too often monitored, and parents are too involved in their children's decisions and are increasingly overprotective.
She founded Let Grow, a non-profit that promotes independence and childhood resilience.
According to Ha Trang, the counterbalance to the ‘tiger mother’ is a ‘wolf mother’, which focuses on letting children discover themselves through nature exploration and experiential activities.
“’Mother wolf’ has clear standards for her child, treats child like an adult, and will still apply disciplinary measures, when necessary,” says Trang
"In this way of parenting, parents will choose to encourage their children when they have bad points, consider choosing words to avoid hurting the child. Parents always encourage their children to discover new things and teach them, welcoming failure, giving small step-by-step instructions to guide children in the right direction.
"As a characteristic of the democratic parenting style, parents emphasize fairness in communication, openness to show affection to their children even as they get older. These things will help them feel more respected, safe and trusted."
What kind of child do you raise? What 'animal style' is your parenting?
Free-Range Kids's book cover and the author Lenore Skenazy Source: freerangekids.com
The three guests that SBS Vietnamese spoke to laughed at this question, and when asked, they each said they see every child as a separate individual, and that parenting styles should be suited as such.
Trang says she chose to "accompany her children" rather than “raising her children" while identifying herself as a mother in a "quite open-minded" way.
"Eight years with my son, the biggest lesson I've learned is that it's not absolute. If I choose a method and I insist it's right from the beginning to end, it will be very wrong. Learning and approaching forms at the same time. raising children, accompanying children, listening to children, observing children, and correcting myself.”
With Van, children are like saplings, and she chooses to be a "gardener", instead of a "carpenter".
Ha Trang Doan Pham and her family Source: Supplied
She believes, there is a method that works well with one child but fails with another.
While her eldest son is gentle and docile, the third youngest daughter is more stubborn and rebellious.
“I like the way an article I read a while ago compared it: raising children like a carpenter or like a gardener. The carpenter shapes the child the way he wants to make the child as beautiful as he wants. The gardener gives the child food, water, light, and the child grow up in that environment.
Anything that is too extreme has harm, says Mai Hoa, who has a teenage daughter
She believes it’s not about teaching your child how to succeed later, but to "adjust” to the situation.
"It's not good to be too tough or too easy going. If you're too tough, parents turn their child into an obedient citizen, removing all of the child's unique characteristics. Try to look at it in Eastern Asian societies, there is no way there is a Madonna or Lady Gaga, those personalities are peeled off from the bud and only produce very obedient citizens who work hard to obey," she says.
"It's also said that it is free-range, focusing on experience, maybe not quite the way Western parents do. Try looking at an example of how to behave at the dinner table, table manners, perhaps Western mothers are no less strict than the old ladies of Vietnam.
"Every person has a life; I can't live my child's life and I don't force my kids to follow my dreams or do what I'm doing. I told my kids that they can do anything as long as they are happy, then I will be happy. That job gives the child the life she wants, helps the society, and most importantly, she has time for herself to pursue her passion."
The fruit of parenting is the parent-children relationship
Mai Pham and her family Source: Supplied
All three guests agree that raising children is a journey, and most parents today agree that the destination is a close bond between parents and children.
Family, parents are always the warmest place, no matter how stormy or miserable outside, as long as you turn your head, home is a peaceful place to go back and shelter.
Dr Hong Van, a mother who was born in the year of the Tiger, shared that for her, the joy in family life comes first.
“Arriving at the destination parents and children put together, many people think that they can sacrifice everything, children may not be happy but as long as they achieve the goal parents want. I don't think I'm that kind of mother. I'm the mother, was born in the year of the tiger, but not the Tiger mother because... this tiger has a lot of paper in it.
“My children are still growing, the youngest 7 and the oldest 17. It's too early to tell if I'm successful or what success is. But for me, the joy of the family is the most important, higher than everything, academic achievement is not equal to the joy of family life."
Ha Trang believes that success or not depends on the answers of her two sons, 7-year-old Subi and 4-year-old Subo.
She believes that mothers need to subtly step back so that their children can confidently live their own lives.
“Life is both happy and sad. Parents have to accept that, just like children will sometimes succeed, sometimes fail. The success of a mother to her is how her children trust her and have a sense of belonging so that kids can return when they are adults. That's important to me.”
