As a forensic psychologist, one of the most common questions people ask me is, “What are some red flags that might tell me someone will harm me?”
This question is especially relevant in the context of online dating, where we might be meeting and evaluating complete strangers, and may be unsure about the parameters of normal or healthy relationship behaviour.
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While there are some signs that someone may be harmful (and I use these signs as a guide myself when forming new relationships), it’s important to remember that we won’t always be able to predict how someone else will act. The responsibility for preventing harm and violence lies with the perpetrator of these acts, not the person experiencing them. Still, learning to notice and understand subtle signs of bad behaviour can often be helpful with supporting us to notice and escape bad situations before they become dangerous.
My first rule is to notice how someone behaves. It sounds simple, but in the early stages of forming a relationship we may discount or explain away poor behaviour and harmful communication because we want a relationship to work. Sometimes abusive people use this to their advantage, for instance, by saying something like, “I was just having a bad day,” “I did that because of my mental health,” or “I only did that because my ex made me angry.” While it’s true that our emotions can be influenced by mental illness, or the actions of other people, it’s still important to have the capacity to express and manage these emotions without being abusive.
Dr Ahona Guha. Source: Supplied
A common maxim in forensic psychology is that “past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour”
It’s important to watch how someone behaves towards you, and towards other people – especially those with less power in a given scenario, such as waitstaff. A common maxim in forensic psychology is that “past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour,” and I have found this to hold true.
If someone tells you they have been abusive or violent in relationships, this is a huge warning sign. Most people will justify this in some way, such as by saying their ex-partner set them up or lied. Nevertheless, it most often signals that someone has the capacity to behave harmfully. Poor behaviour may include things like rudeness, dismissiveness, explosive anger, property damage, violence, blame and criticism.
Emotionally controlling behaviours like trying to separate you from other people (“Do you have to go out with your friends? Stay with me,” or, “I don’t like your family, don’t see them”) are also very problematic.
Possessiveness and jealousy are often signals of harmful relationships. In a good relationship, each party should have freedom, trust and healthy boundaries. It’s common to explain away possessiveness by thinking it’s “sweet” or signals romantic interest. In reality, it’s one of the precursors to coercive control. While jealousy is a normal emotion, it’s up to the person experiencing it to learn to manage it, instead of inflicting it on their partner.
In a good relationship, each party should have freedom, trust and healthy boundaries
It’s useful to notice whether someone pushes your boundaries (for example, continuing to ask for sex once you have said “no”) or crosses them (such as checking your phone to see who you are messaging).
It’s also very important to keep an eye on how someone responds when you say “no”. People are often nice while they are getting their way, only becoming disrespectful or nasty when told “no”. Disrespecting a “no” is boundary-crossing behaviour, and signals entitlement or a poor understanding of consent. Some examples might involve people cajoling you to change your mind, becoming angry or blaming, or forceful. This might be about issues like sexual contact, or smaller issues like continuing to text you when you have asked for contact to stop.
Ideally, new relationships are paced slowly as people get to know each other
Noticing the pacing of relationships is also important. Ideally, new relationships are paced slowly as people get to know each other. This is true for intimate relationships, as well as friendships. Someone trying to be forceful and creating more intimacy than the stage of the relationship warrants (such as talking about marriage in the first few weeks) can sometimes signal difficulties with attachment, and can lead to boundary-crossing behaviours.
In an online dating context, it’s a good idea to pay attention to red flags on people’s profiles – an easy way to weed out poor behaviour before you even swipe. Some of the things I notice are:
- the presence of weapons like knuckledusters in profile pictures (this suggests that someone tolerates and may glorify violence)
- sexualised comments
- profiles with “negging” (negative) comments about women
- profiles that deride someone’s ex-partner
- profiles that signal misogynistic attitudes (“ladylike women only,” “I want a woman who will stay home with the children”).
Similarly, once a conversation has started, any disrespect, forcefulness, rudeness or verbal aggression are signs that a conversation should be immediately terminated.
While noticing these signs won’t stop all poor behaviour, they will support you with spotting signals of harm early and will make it easier to end a relationship before the abuse escalates.
Dr Ahona Guha is a clinical and forensic psychologist and author from Melbourne. Her first book, , is out now.
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