It is with some embarrassment that I admit I’ve been pulled into the world of trash TV that is Channel Nine reality series
I was immediately hooked into the drama, but also observed the wider dynamics at play.
One woman from the show, Ning, was abrasive and rude from the first meeting with her ‘husband’ Mark, and this proceeded well into the honeymoon. She blew hot and cold as a means of testing him, until his persistence enabled something to shift in her.
Following that, things seemed to change for the better as I observed she seemed to feel she could rely on him to not run at the first sign of trouble.
The second woman, Cyrell, came from a family that didn’t seem afraid to have an opinion and to share it. The man she was married to, Nic, was by contrast, calm and laid back. Each time they disagreed or fought, she’d pack her bags and threaten to leave.
Both women have been labelled as “crazy” or needing anger management.
For me they are a reminder of what can happen to people after significant trauma, or what I observe as abandonment issues.
It’s the ultimate Catch 22. If we aren’t aware that our baggage, we end up distancing ourselves from someone that may actually be good for our healing.
It’s something that I can relate to as a survivor of trauma myself.
It has now been eight years since my children and I rebuilt our lives for ourselves.
In 2011, when my youngest was three-months-old, my husband and her father, left us.
I was a trainee doctor at the time, with two years left to qualify as an obstetrician and gynaecologist, but I had run out of time after deferring my training to raise our four children.
In the acrimony of divorce, I had to switch training programs, go on welfare, deal with my own PTSD and depression, cope with losing a lot of “friends” and raise my children alone.
It makes us think our thoughts and opinions do not matter. It’s how we learn to disregard our own feelings.
It makes us fearful and anxious, so we overthink everything and everyone, or see nasty people and conversations where they don’t exist.
Others, like me, continue to make excuses and tolerate poor behaviour long after it is appropriate.
I put on a stern exterior when approached by men, and I began looking for red flags once I took my rose-coloured glasses off.
My most recent experience taught me that if I was to ever consider successfully re-partnering, I needed to work on my own baggage.
Last year, I dated briefly for three months for the first time since my divorce. As a practising Muslim woman, for me, this means getting to know someone with a view to marriage.
I experienced firsthand how my trauma impacts my relationships, especially with one man I really liked among a handful of men.
In the six weeks that he and I were getting to know each other, I felt a great deal of anxiety as we weren’t “exclusive”. I had a lot of fear that he’d meet someone else and move on.
I was aware, logically at least, that at various points, I wanted to end things as a means to test him to see if he’d persist, or leave.
It wasn’t until matters ended between us that I was able to examine my own behaviour and recognise the effects of my own traumatic past at play.
Caught up in the grip of my own anxiety, I’d challenge him by telling him why it couldn’t work, or suggest better options for him to pursue, and then getting upset when he’d consider someone else.
The irony is that many experts relational trauma can only be healed in the safety of a relationship.
I needed to take this knowledge and practise it by dating safe men, who are self-aware and committed to personal growth.
It’s the ultimate Catch 22. If we aren’t aware that our baggage from the past encroaches into our current relationships, we end up distancing ourselves from someone that may actually be good for our healing.
However, in order to be aware of the baggage that we all bring into our present, we need to be mindful, and most of us don’t have awareness for that. Even when we are trained in these issues, it can be hard to be self-reflective especially when emotions are high in the heat of a new relationship.
So we do what is easier - we blame the other person for the feelings that arise from our wounded past, we distance ourselves and we move on to the next “safe” person until they too lose their shine.
Rinse and repeat.
My most recent experience taught me that if I was to ever consider successfully re-partnering, I needed to work on my own baggage, in safety with a therapist.
I needed to take this knowledge and practise it by dating safe men, who are self-aware and committed to personal growth – a necessarily uncomfortable process which means understanding how to communicate and engage in respectful conflict.
Watching MAFS, it seems apparent to me that the contestants would have been better served if they’d had some real pre-marital counselling on what to expect with the unique baggage they brought to the relationship and learn how to manage it, instead of simply being lumped together to make or break.
For me it would be easy to blame the men I dated. While it is likely the men I encountered did have issues they needed to work through, the real fact remains that the only person I can change is me, and how that changes the dynamic of the relationship I am in and who I attract into my life.
Through focusing on what I learn from each dating encounter, I can continue to work on my own growth. This way if I do end up with someone worthy, I won’t risk hurting him due to unresolved baggage of my own – and most importantly I can work to help heal and honour myself.
