How can you ensure sexual consent?

SG Sexual Consent - YOUNG COUPLE

Although sexual assault is considered a major health and welfare issue in Australia, aspects of seeking, giving and denying sexual consent only became a mandatory element of the Australian National Curriculum from 2023. Source: Moment RF / Habitante Stock/Getty Images

In Australia, non-consensual sexual activity is a criminal offence, whether it takes place in real life or online. In some jurisdictions, alleged perpetrators accused of sexual assault or rape must prove in court that they obtained consent before engaging in sexual activity. So, how can you ensure you’re having consensual sex?


Key Points
  • Sexual violence is any kind of sexual activity that is unwanted or is undertaken due to pressure, manipulation, or intimidation.
  • Sexual violence can be physical, psychological and emotional. It can be inflicted in person or through media (such as online).
  • The strengthening of sexual consent laws in some Australian jurisdictions means all people who engage in sexual activity should ensure they have affirmative consent.
  • The Australian education system is improving its sexual consent curriculum.
According to the Australian National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service, more commonly known as the 1800 RESPECT helpline, the term sexual violence can be used to describe any sexual activity “that makes you feel scared or uncomfortable”.

Sexual violence encompasses sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, and sexual harassment. The word violence here is used to refer to physical aggression, as well as emotional and psychological harm that can be inflicted in person, or through non-physical means, like online.

Australian Bureau of Statisticsone in five women in Australia has experienced sexual violence since the age of 15.
Sexual assault is defined as any intimate contact that is unwelcome.

“It's any unwarranted contact of a private part of the anatomy, where your free agreement, where consent is not being given,” Victoria Police Senior Sergeant Monique Kelley explains.

"It doesn't always have to be physical touch; there are a range of different ways that a sexual assault can be enacted on somebody else. The sharing of intimate images where there's been no consent to share them."

In some cases, unwanted explicit 'storytelling', such as 'sexting', could legally qualify as sexual assault.
SG Sexual Consent - STOP
On average, there are 85 sexual assaults reported every day in Australia. 90 per cent of victim-survivors do not report their rape to police. Source: Moment RF / Carol Yepes/Getty Images

Sexual violence and the law

Sexual violence is considered a serious crime. In recent years, some Australian jurisdictions have been changing their laws to mandate those accused of sexual offences to prove in court that they obtained consent before engaging in sexual activity.

Investigative Journalist Jess Hill has explored sexual consent in the three-part documentary series, ‘’.

She says the first step is for every individual to ascertain what feels and doesn’t feel good in a sexual interaction. Once you know your stance and boundaries, you should establish them, and ask your partner how they’re feeling. It is important parties learn how to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ at every stage of the intimate activity.

“It's about establishing, ‘is this something that we both want to do? Is it something that we're both going to be satisfied with?’ In terms of establishing consent in the moment, it's as simple as asking questions as you go through that sexual interaction,” Ms Hill says.
Some of the questions you might ask are like, ‘is it okay if I touch you here? Do you like this? Do you want me to do this? Can I do this?’ Literally, just checking in so that it's not a totally silent exercise.
Jess Hill, Investigative Journalist and Author
Ensuring sexual consent means you should confirm there is an enthusiastic, affirmative approval of all sexual activities being performed during the whole duration of the interaction.

In certain jurisdictions, for sex to be lawful, it is no longer enough to assume you have sexual consent; you must seek it actively, and repeatedly.

Ensuring sexual consent entails much more than thinking someone is seemingly agreeing to a sexual activity.
SG Sexual Consent - couple enjoying a movie at the cinema
Credit: Flashpop/Getty Images
You should look out for verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate sexual consent is or isn’t being freely granted. This is because consent can be retracted at any stage, and if your partner falls silent or becomes paralysed, they may be signalling dissent.

“It's not enough for you to presume that there was consent because of certain types of body language, or because they didn't say ‘no’ or ‘stop’,” Ms Hill says.

“They might just be silent, or they might freeze. In a sexual interaction, if you're with someone and they can't say anything, that's not enthusiastic consent. If they say, ‘I'm not sure’ and they sound like they're unsure about what's about to happen, then it's better to check in and say, ‘do you want to do this? We don't have to do this’.”
SG Sexual Consent - Problems in the relationship
Couple in a difficult moment Credit: Mixmike/Getty Images
The Australian legal system also establishes clear instances in which sexual consent cannot be granted.

“Consent can't be given, for example, being intoxicated or unconscious for whatever reason, or [by] someone with a very extreme intellectual disability, who simply doesn't understand or cannot understand what they're doing and is incapable of giving consent. Children under 16 are incapable of giving consent per se by law,” Lawyer and author Michael Bradley says.

However, Mr Bradley also says there are some problem areas in how the legal system responds to rape, in situations where consent is seemingly given due to fear or pressure.

“It gets into a greyish area where someone's will has been overborne because of duress, force, or coercion. It's a particularly thorny subject in the context of family and domestic violence.

"If a person is in a coercive control relationship that includes sexual coercion, then although they may be actively consenting in a practical sense, but if that's really because they don't believe they have a safe alternative choice or they've actually lost the ability to exercise free will, then there is no consent."

Sexual consent education

Aspects of seeking, giving and denying sexual consent only element of the Australian National Curriculum from 2023. This directive came as a response to criticism saying there wasn’t enough focus on contemporary notions of sexuality, and sexual abuse prevention.

The new curriculum aims to teach consent and respectful relationships in an age-appropriate manner, and covers coercion and power imbalances. It also delves into gendered stereotypes, including the differences in the traditional cultural expectations placed on men and women.
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Richie Hardcore is an educator and activist with years of experience working in family and sexual violence prevention. He provides frank sex education and consent programs to schools across Australia and New Zealand.

He believes there is a discrepancy between the cultural norms that discourage speaking openly about sex due to taboos and stigma, the sexual objectification of women in advertising, while children increasingly access explicit and often violent pornographic material online.
SG Sexual Consent - SEX online
SEX online Credit: JLGutierrez/Getty Images
“Popular culture normalises sexual aggression and sexual dominance, often in a gendered asymmetrical way. Boys and men often have power over women and girls. Women and girls are shaped to sexually acquiesce to male advances,” he says.

“We really need to do a better job of talking about sexual autonomy and sexual agency and mutual sexual pleasure and talk about the good side of sex as much as avoiding the harm of it."
Sex is this amazing human experience and ... no one should be getting hurt, physically emotionally or spiritually.
Richie Hardcore, sexual education provider and activist
Given sexual consent is retractable, and generations have grown up unaccustomed to asking for sexual consent during their intimate interactions, this means many sexual encounters may inadvertently be non-consensual.

“Let's give everyone the language that they need, and then the social normalisation of having these conversations. I think it will undo a lot of harm," Mr Hardcore adds.
SG Sexual Consent - Couple Having Sex On Bed At Home
Credit: Beatriz Vera / EyeEm/Getty Images
“When we talk about rape, we often think about someone jumping out of the bushes with a knife and dragging someone off… but most sexual violence is perpetrated by someone who knows the victim, or people on dates, or even within relationships. So, how do we ensure that people are having non-violent, mutually pleasurable, consensual sexual experiences?” he questions.

For Jess Hill, learning how to ask for sexual consent in a way that feels natural involves deconstructing culturally imposed shame around sex, updating misplaced, gendered sexual expectations, and antiquated notions of femininity and masculinity.

“There’s a lot for women and men to unlearn in terms of how they situate and construct their own desire. It’s no small task. That’s why saying yes is as important as saying no.”

If you require emotional support, you can contact 1800RESPECT, Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1800 22 46 36.

premieres 8:30pm Thursday 20 April on SBS and SBS On Demand. The three-part series continues weekly.

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