Key Points
- Don’t excuse poor behaviour, use the opportunity to discuss how to be respectful
- Be ready to talk about the importance of respect often
- Respectful relationships are important online and offline
- Resources are available to help adults have these conversation with children of all ages
In 2022, more than 60 women and children in Australia were killed by someone who once told them 'I love you'.
These figures published by , a volunteer-led organisation that supports people fleeing domestic violence, are a call for Australians to end the behaviours that could normalise or lead to domestic violence.
Research has shown that the cycle of violence can start at a young age, with the beliefs and attitudes that boys and girls learn unconsciously from others, especially from adults around them.
Look for opportunities to discuss respect
Whether it’s preschoolers pulling each other’s hair, siblings having a fight, or a teenage son speaking disrespectfully to his girlfriend, there are many opportunities for parents, carers and teachers to discuss respect with children.
They are never too young or too old to have this conversation.
Little brother attacks his sister Credit: StockPlanets/Getty Images
In her book, Inspired Children, Dr McAlpine recommends parents take three simple steps to address the situation:
Stop: Calm everything down, walk away, take a breath
Empathise: Connect with your child, be in their shoes
Educate: Teach them how to be in the world
“In other words, SEE another way”, she explains.
Experts say it is important for parents to stop and limit disrespectful behaviour, while maintaining a respectful attitude. Credit: franckreporter/Getty Images
She says learning the techniques to stop the behaviour without showing anger is the first step.
To do so, parents need to take a deep breath, remain calm, and separate the children having the fight, if necessary.
Then, parents can make an effort to “see things from the child's point of view”, “be in their shoes” and understand that they are still learning, Dr McAlpine explains.
Once you have done that, then you’re in a good position to help children understand that their disrespect was not OK, and educate them on respectful behaviour.Dr Rosina McAlpine, parenting expert and author
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Be ready to talk often
Talking about respect could be uncomfortable for some parents and children who do not do this regularly.
Rather than sitting down to have a formal conversation about respect, adults can take advantage of the opportunities that arise from everyday situations.
, a national campaign to stop gender-based violence, hasto help parents have conversations about respect with their children.
"It may be as simple as reassessing your child’s day together before bedtime, and asking what they might have done differently", mother of three, Becca Ehlers says.
“When my children encounter situations of conflict with friends, witness an incident at school or watch something on television or in a movie, we take the time to talk it through when possible,” she adds.
Doing it often will make such conversations flow more naturally and feel less difficult.
“We are able to talk on the walk home from school, on the car ride to and from work, or in those last moments before bedtime, and really assess how our day went and what we might have done differently, or better, each day.”
Credit: Jupiterimages/Getty Images
In their household, chores are assigned and shared equally, without regard to gender.
“My daughters are expected to mow the lawn, as my son is to clear the dishes and vacuum,” Ms Ehlers explains.
No one is made to feel stronger or weaker, more special or less important due to gender. My children are taught that all jobs have value, that all people are capable of doing their share, and we function best as a team.
Ms Elhers adds that excuses such as 'that is a job for girls or boys' are not accepted in her household.
Instead, she emphasises the value of family teamwork, and “kindness under any circumstance” to encourage and empower her children to be more compassionate, tolerant, and respectful.
“They soon recognised that by being kind to others, others were overwhelmingly kind in return.”
Credit: Ghislain & Marie David de Lossy/Getty Images
Being respectful online
As children spend more time online, they are at greater risk of falling victim to cyber bullying, or be exposed to harmful predatory and coercive behaviours.
is Australia’s largest independent provider of preventive health education for school children.
Life Ed NSW/ACT CEO Jonathon Peatfield says keeping healthy relationships online and offline has never been more important.
Children need to be taught fundamental skills in empathy, respect and communication all throughout their school years.Life Ed NSW/ACT CEO Jonathon Peatfield
He believes a comprehensive educational approach is key.
"Parents, teachers and the community also have a role to play in preventing bullying, and need to be supported to help children learn the skills they need to become responsible and respectful digital citizens."
focuses on teaching the life skills needed to maintain respectful relationships online and face to face.
The program teaches children to understand what bullying is, learn positive and assertive communication techniques, foster empathy and respectful relationships and know where and who to go to for help and support.
The program also includes resources for families and schools so everyone can take part.
Young girl (6yrs) on couch using tablet Credit: MoMo Productions/Getty Images
Changing our values
Ms Ehlers says in Australia there is a longstanding and outdated cultural tendency to tolerate or accept disrespect.
She believes this is expressed by the frequent use of phrases such as 'boys will be boys' which normalises rudeness in men.
She says in some circles, certain disrespectful or overpowering behaviours are considered a desirable masculine trait, so she believes it's important to foster a societal change to place more value on kindness.
Creating a culture where kindness is valued over and above any other quality, fosters respect for others and in turn helps reduce violence of any and all kinds.Ms Becca Ehlers, mother of three
This is something parenting expert Ms McAlpine supports.
“The world should be a safe place for all. We could stop violence in one generation if we could stop it at the start, by teaching our children to be non-violent and respectful," Dr Rosina McAlpine concludes.
How to find support
- If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual harassment or assault, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or visit .
- For emotional support, call 13 11 14
- For local support services in your state or territory, click
- In an emergency, call triple zero (000).
