When my daughter was born three years ago, my parents fell in love. As first-time grandparents, my dad . While on maternity leave, to dote on the baby while helping out with the cooking and the housework.
As I returned to work, my parents took my toddler for two days a week, saving us a packet in childcare costs. They also took her for two nights a week, giving us time for date nights and self-care.
My daughter loved going to her grandparents’ too. She gets ice-cream and TV. And there is plenty of space to run around in a big suburban home as opposed to our small inner-city abode.
But shortly after she turned three, she decided that she didn’t want to go to her grandparents’ anymore, let alone sleep over.
After tears, tantrums and a number of forced visits, I finally asked her why. At first, she said “just because”. But as I sat there, stacking duplo while reminding her of all the sweet treats and fun, life-sized toys at pau pau and gung gung’s (maternal grandparents), she finally said “because I don’t want to be a naughty girl anymore.
“I didn’t snatch. I didn’t kick. I didn’t push. I’m not a naughty girl,” she added.
My heart sank and the penny dropped.
My family is Chinese–Australian. In Chinese culture, children are taught discipline early, to respect their elders and the authority, and to be obedient. There are more rules and structure at my parents’ and the word “naughty” is used very loosely. She is “naughty” when she goes outside without shoes, drops crumbs outside the designated eating areas, takes too long to do anything. As a preschooler, this means she is “naughty” all the time.
There are more rules and structure at my parents’ and the word “naughty” is used very loosely
At childcare, kindergarten and to an extent, our own home, she is given more licence to explore and play at her own leisure and pace.
I hugged my daughter who looked so small and innocent. I was so impressed that she understood being naughty was bad and I was so proud that she was trying to do the right thing. I reassured her that she wasn’t a naughty girl and that we would go and talk to her grandparents.
Conversations with my parents on how to parent have been surprisingly straightforward. They have supported the parenting approach my husband and I prefer which in general, is less authoritarian than they are used to. It means listening to the children, modelling empathy and no smacking. While everyone agreed to this from the beginning, no one thought to discuss the impact of the nuances of our culture on our three-year-old.
Concepts like filial piety, hygiene and cleanliness, discipline and achievement are so deeply rooted in our culture and language. My parents are obsessed with keeping clean after decades of living in a densely populated megacity with poor air quality and lack of green spaces. They are horrified that my daughter goes to bush kinder. My mum scrubs her head to toe when she comes home, noting how “dirty/filthy” she is.
Some Chinese parents tend to be hyper competitive. Comparing and ranking children is more overt. My parents may say how “weak” my daughter is when she isn’t good at something.
It may seem harsh to label children as naughty, filthy and weak but Chinese parents of a certain generation may consider this to be harmless banter.
To my parents’ credit, when they realised how their words were impacting my daughter, they were willing to change
To my parents’ credit, when they realised how their words were impacting my daughter, they were willing to change. They adapted their language and approach. Instead of reprimanding my daughter for refusing to put on a jacket, my mum counts the number of layers she is wearing and challenges my daughter to match her. It works 70 per cent of the time.
Parenting is learning and growing with our children. As a multicultural, multigenerational family, there is a lot to learn and this includes my daughter too.
We have since extended her definition of naughty to include “not listening”. We tell her that sometimes, it’s naughty when she doesn’t listen to mummy, daddy, her grandparents. She is working on her “good listening.” When she does good listening, she gets a biscuit if she eats it over the sink and iPad if she stands very still in the shower.
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