It’s taken me 41 years to figure this out, but here it goes: acts of service are my parents’ love language. Like many Asian parents, affection is not the dominant currency used to show love by my Filipino parents. Rather, they demonstrate it by doing things. While my parents don’t spontaneously hug me or say, “I love you,” with careless abandon like I do with my kids, they do show they care in their own, surprising ways.
My dad will still come to my rescue when I need to take my car to the mechanic or when we need something repaired around our house. My mum will always load me up with takeaway containers of food every time I visit. They have been there through every important life moment. Not merely witnessing, but taking action and doing the all-important work that needed to be done. In the past decade, this has meant doing an inordinate amount of wedding craft without complaint, and helping me move every single time I changed apartments. They have also given up a lot of their own time to help look after my two boys from birth until now. And it’s their quiet labour that I’ve come to appreciate.
Growing up, seeing my friends exchanging random hugs and kisses with their parents made me confused about why it was so different with my parents
It was a different story growing up. Seeing my (mostly Aussie) friends exchanging random hugs and kisses with their parents, and uttering, “I love you,” without hesitation or awkwardness, made me confused about why it was so different with my parents. Although we weren’t a household completely devoid of affection, we also weren’t breaking into bear hugs in the hallway. Were we just weird? Conservative? I now understand we were neither.
My parents cared, of course – but they cared in a way that involved leaping into action. I can’t count the number of times my mum came home after a long day at work and then stayed up late helping me finish my assignments when I was at school. My dad also did many thoughtful things such as moving my car closer to the exit at the train station when I had to stay back late at work, so I wouldn’t have to walk far.
It’s funny how age changes the way you see things. There were times when my parents’ urge to take care of me didn’t gel with my desire to live like an independent adult. For a long time, having my parents do things for me felt infantilising, as if they somehow couldn’t trust me to live my own life. After I’d had a hard day, my parents’ trademark move was to remind me to have dinner. My younger self found it irritating that I was being told to eat when it was the last thing on my mind.
But now? It’s a different story. My parents’ acts of service are a source of comfort to me, especially since I now have my own children to look after. I’m currently pregnant with my third child, and when I was in the throes of morning sickness, all I really wanted was to be looked after in the only way a parent can.
I was instructed to lie down and rest while my parents took charge of the kids. Overcome with exhaustion and nausea, I could have cried with relief at having someone look after me
My mum took to the kitchen and made me every single Filipino dish I craved. My dad went searching for green mangoes because it was one of the few things I could keep down. When I visited them, I was instructed to lie down and rest while they took charge of the kids. Overcome with exhaustion and nausea, I could have cried with relief at having someone look after me. In those moments, my gratitude for my parents amplified, and I saw their acts of service for what they really were: an expression of love.
As a mother, there are times when I just want a reprieve from being the person in charge of everything. In a way, these acts by my parents give me that. While we’ll never have the kind of parent-child relationship that I have with my children – a love language that is primarily touch, with kisses and hugs aplenty – there is still a solid bond: one that has made me realise my parents will be there for me no matter what life throws my way. Sure, it may have taken some getting used to, but it doesn’t really matter because now we’re finally speaking the same language.
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