I was at a 21st birthday party, when a female friend came up and said, “I think I just got groped in the ballpit.”
Neighbours had arrived and one of them, a boorish large guy, had been drunk and “laddish” throughout the night. Sitting down in the inflated pool filled with colourful balls, our friend told us that the neighbour, uninvited, had his arm around her and casually grabbed her breast. And it wasn’t an isolated incident. Women throughout the evening mentioned that during a brief hug and introduction he’d grabbed them too.
Inside my head, anger brewed. The thought of confronting him and shaming him, punching him straight to the ground became intoxicating. And that’s the problem.
In the heat of the moment it’s tough to know when to square up and say something, or to respect the wishes of our female companions and stay quiet. It’s easy to slip into romanticised ideals of “standing up” for women. We’re shown that women love a man who can protect his lover by knocking down the ‘bad guy’, and this protection extends to our female friends.
When testosterone and (particularly) alcohol mix, ego trumps the valiant intentions we initially had.
We’re taught that they lack the agency to sort out the issue for themselves; that they’re just waiting for us to step in and sort it out with our raised voices or fists. This is completely wrong. But when testosterone and (particularly) alcohol mix, ego trumps the valiant intentions we initially had. We naively assume that a physical altercation will suddenly make them feel better about having their own body violated.
Years ago, a friend was in a violent relationship. After a confrontation in a bar, I ended up outside with two friends, and her abuser. Watching on tearfully, she saw three of her best friends and the man she loved, about to brawl in the street outside a dodgy pub. We eventually talked it down and she left with him. We thought our efforts would show how terrible a person he was, but we ended up looking exactly the same. Listening to her pleas to leave it alone would’ve been the first step on the road to fixing our obsession with violence. It’s the same with practising consent in other areas: ignoring pleas to stop are the same as the silence that women are often forced to adopt when “the men are in control.”
These incidents are endemic in our culture. Another friend, Alice* was once sexually assaulted at a Melbourne nightclub. A fellow patron saw fit to stick his finger up her skirt as he walked past. Months later, back at the same club, she mentioned to a male friend that the assailant was standing near them. Immediately, he fell into the trap of “sticking up for her” by confronting the man. Beforehand, pleading, she asked that he settle down. But jumping straight to the idea of punching on and screaming abuse with his hands raised, Alice’s friend was ejected for creating a potentially violent and unsafe environment for the rest of the patrons. Even though his intentions may have been noble, he became the guy everyone hated. Alice’s night was ruined but the man with a penchant for assaulting women? He smartly stayed quiet and enjoyed the rest of his night safely in the club, free to grope or violate the next girl he saw.
Although we’re entering a climate where men are encouraged to stand up on behalf of women, it’s incredibly easy for that voice of support to turn into an overpowering roar of dominance with the sound of fist hitting flesh.
Yes, we need to stand up and call out inappropriate behaviour. Although we’re entering a climate where men are encouraged to stand up on behalf of women, it’s incredibly easy for that voice of support to turn into an overpowering roar of dominance with the sound of fist hitting flesh. Even when we think that standing idly by is an acceptance of abusive behaviour towards our friends and partners; we can’t assume that bludgeoning through pleas to stop will end in their vindication.
This is the part of the male ego that we haven’t faced yet. It’s why we need to listen when women tell us to calm down; to let it go. It’s not our battle to fight. It is up to us to speak out against the culture that allows this to happen, but a crowded smoker’s area after 10 beers is not the place to start the revolution.
*Name changed
