Listen to the trailer of Love Me, Love My Anxiety
Love Me, Love My Anxiety: Trailer
I don’t date often, but when I do, my therapist-diagnosed perfectionism takes over. My heart pounds and my palms get sweaty at any inkling that I may lose control. What if my train is delayed and he never wants to speak to me again? What if I get there too early and he thinks I’m a loser? What if he treats the waiter weird or over-pronounces the words on the menu?
I know being an anxious dater is much more nuanced than that - so it was a great sigh of relief, and a bit of a giggle, chatting to comedian Kevin Jin, host of new podcast , that explores the ups and downs of dating when you live with anxiety.
Throughout the six-episode season, Jin, who lives with anxiety, speaks to other people with lived experience and mental health experts for their advice on how to put yourself out there in the dating world without anxious feelings getting in the way.
Mark: I’ve just heard the trailer for Love Me, Love My Anxiety- you've got great podcast voice. You mention your engagement and how you’ve got a fiancé now. Tell us your little love story.
Kevin: Oh, it's my [love story] as well. Yeah. Now all she does is play Skyrim on the Nintendo Switch and yell at me to bring in the washing.
That's erotic.
(laughs) My partner and I have been together for five years now. We didn't meet online. I didn't have any success on any of the dating apps, besides making a couple of friends. Anyway, I met her at a friend's 21st birthday party. I went there to meet girls. I'm not ashamed. I'll admit it. I was there. I won. You can’t get mad at me.
No, absolutely not. You did, you won.
I was wearing an ADIDAS tracksuit that I had bought off Gumtree. It was blue and white because I had bought it in Lakemba, and it's the colours of the Bulldogs. I'm not a Bulldogs supporter, I don't watch football, but spiritually I'm a Bulldogs supporter supporter.
That's me with the Penrith Panthers.
She hates when I wear it now, but she's with me. So, who's the idiot now? We clicked really well. She was a bit shy. We talked and I really liked her laugh - she had a very loud laugh, which is great for me because my schtick is that I'm funny.
How were those early conversations about anxiety like in your relationship?
It was actually straightforward. There wasn't any drama. We had a lot of very clear conversations from the get-go. We found a way of communicating where essentially it was like, ’Hey, look, I'm tired’, or, ‘I just don't have that much brain power at the moment. I'm going to take what you say at face value.’
Like there were no games. It was very clear.
Artwork by Maricor/Maricar Source: Maricor/Maricar
Yeah. We literally understand each other. All my friends who are single, and some friends who are in relationships, are very jealous of us.
Me too. I'm literally seething. I don't know if you can see it, but there's steam coming off my body. A lack of communication is the worst thing. And some people just don't get it. There are people who could be great together, they just need to communicate better. So I am joining your group of friends, I am completely jealous and envious of this relationship.
Past me, like seven years ago, would absolutely be jealous of me. There are only so many ways of folding blankets in a way so that they feel like someone else when you hug them.
It’s actually really interesting that you met your current partner offline.
Oh yeah, the boomers are absolutely right. Phones are destroying society and we should get rid of them all.
It's corroding our brains. What happened to reading newspapers on trains?!
Does the podcast also focus on dating apps or is it just dating in general for those with anxiety?
So the podcast is about dating and anxiety in general, but of course it focusses on apps as that’s how people meet people. We talked to people with lived experience of mental health issues. We also talk to actual mental health professionals and get good insights from them. We talk to people who are in relationships now, and those who aren't.
Where was my invite?
Let’s get you in for the next one.
You talk a lot about mental health. So is ‘anxiety’ within this podcast used as an umbrella term?
I'm gonna use what little I remember of my Bachelors of Psychology here, which doesn't count for anything. But there is the general feeling of anxiety - the layperson’s understanding of the term anxious, like ‘I'm scared of giving a speech that I have to do for work’, or something like that. And then there's also anxiety disorders, where it’s a chronic part of your life that affects the quality of life.
One of the really cool things about the modern era is that mental health literacy is skyrocketing. It’s really good to kind of be part of that wave of getting people to be like, ‘Hey, I should interrogate my feelings’. It's really cool that people are destigmatising these things.
When you think about comedians, you don't necessarily think about anxiety, let alone conversations about it -
Yeah you do! What are you talking about?! I cop so many jokes like, ’You're a comedian, that means you’re sad!’ It's just like, well, sometimes yeah, but that's because I'm a human being.
I forgot that comedians are #people too.
Comedian rights!
Comedian rights! But, you know, to be a comedian, your focus is humour and to entertain an audience.
Yeah. I'm absolutely against the whole ‘We're philosophers!’ or like ‘We're here to change the world!’ thing. No, we're entertainment.
Not many comedians open up about anxiety, or they sometimes trivialise it to make it funny.
They perform a version of anxiety, and that stems from real anxiety. Of course, I don't mean to diminish turning lived experiences into an art form. But there's a fundamental split between persona and person.
I'm trying to pursue a career in improving mental health. This opportunity from SBS is like a venn diagram of entertainment, education, and mental health - which is also what I've studied. I'm not gonna say I was engineered by God to host this podcast, but I think she may have had a pretty good idea.
What was that like going into the podcast? Do you find that you communicate better with those with anxiety?
For any people who are a bit neurodivergent, when you meet someone else within your area of your neurodivergence, your radars ping off each other. It's not that difficult for me to talk to people who are comfortable with it, because we're comfortable talking about not being comfortable.
That's my tagline, I'm typing that down.
Whether you’re meeting on dating apps or meeting people offline (lucky b*tches), what layer does having anxiety add to the dating experience?
A lot of anxiety can be hyper-awareness of self. When you want to communicate and form relationships and build connections with other people, a heightened sense of self can be a big roadblock. It can be a big wet blanket and a big shell to try to come out of. Everyone's situation is different, I don't speak for all people with anxiety or horniness.
Were there any stories that stuck with you or any memorable moments from the podcast?
I don't wanna give anything away, and also I have ADHD, so I generally don't remember. Maybe I'm biased because I gained a lot from therapy when I was younger, but I really enjoyed talking to psychiatrist Dr Kamran Ahmed. I enjoyed talking to Cathy Ngo - she was a very lovely guest who talked about her experiences with anxiety. We ended up talking so much about food. I mean, when you get two Asians in a room together…
Obviously.
I’m sure in all the stuff on the cutting room floor, there's a lot of food.
Like soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger...
Anyone who tells you to cook with sesame oil is a hack. It destroys the flavour profile! It's okay to put it on something that's hot, but don't cook with it.
Do you have any tips for those who are dating with anxiety? And do you have tips for those without anxiety dating those with anxiety?
Do I have any tips for people who are dating someone with anxiety? My tip is communicate, communicate, communicate. For someone who has anxiety who's dating. My tip is communicate, communicate, communicate.
It sounds like a cliche. It sounds so bloody obvious. It sounds condescending to say it like that, but it is fundamentally true. Take it from a very, very happy person.
I hate you. I'm ending this call. Bye bye. See ya.
Before talking to someone else, talk with yourself first. How can you tell someone else how you're feeling if you don’t know how you are feeling?
My last piece of advice for anyone - with or without anxiety - is to buy tickets to my Sydney Comedy festival show Country Boy. And listen to Love Me, Love My Anxiety. It's the best podcast in the world.
Love Me, Love My Anxiety launches with and on Thursday March 24. Listen in the , , , , or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Listen to episode one of Love Me, Love My Anxiety
Love Me, Love My Anxiety Episode 1: Anxious and Dateless
