Cross cultural dating is an issue in any multicultural society. Anyone who has grown up in a cultural minority will be aware of the challenges that can arise if you date outside your culture.
There are differences in faith and lifestyle, pressures from family to date within the community, and discussions to be had about raising future children.
Growing up as a Jewish Australian, I never was aware of pressure from my parents to marry a Jewish man. But hey, I went to a Jewish school. I hung out in a largely Jewish crowd. It was no great surprise when I met a Jewish boy and married him and raised our children Jewish.
There is a shorthand amongst people from the same culture, that can fast-forward some of the early stages of dating. There’s a shared understanding of heritage and history, of rituals and cultural quirks and values.
Now, post-divorce, I have dated both Jewish and non-Jewish men. It is of no consequence to me whether future partners are Jewish or not (my kids are Jewish, and that won’t change), but it is interesting to me how religion and cultural heritage do play a role in dating. There is a shorthand amongst people from the same culture, that can fast-forward some of the early stages of dating. There’s a shared understanding of heritage and history, of rituals and cultural quirks and values. It doesn’t mean you’ll end up with a person from your culture, but it can ease the passage towards intimacy.
But that doesn’t mean that cross cultural dating or marriage is impossible. There are high rates of intermarriage amongst Jewish people in Australia and the United States. I know dozens of couples in which only one partner is Jewish, and the kids are raised in both cultures.
And, so, it was with great interest that I read the recent article in the by Carey Purcell, a non-Jewish woman who took exception to her dumping by not one, but two, Jewish men. Purcell was vitriolic, claiming that she was but a ‘rebellion’ for both men, a token goy on their journeys to eventually settle down with Jewish girls. She begins the article by describing her WASPY pearls and her marvellous martinis, and ends the article by swearing off Jewish men forever.
She begins the article by describing her WASPY pearls and her marvellous martinis, and ends the article by swearing off Jewish men forever.
The anti-Semitic undertones of the article have been well documented, and Purcell has issued an for offence caused. Having said that, it’s still worth noting the ways in which her piece is, quite simply, incorrect.
For one thing, a sample size of two does not make a pattern. If it did, then my own dating experience would prove the exact opposite. In the past few years, I have been in relationships with two Jewish men, both of whom broke up with me to start relationships with non-Jews. If Purcell is to believed, then clearly, I am the token Jew on my ex boyfriends’ journey towards committing to a goy.
Secondly, Purcell’s partners did not break up with her because she wasn’t Jewish. If that was the reason, they would have told her! After all, how much easier is it to say, “It’s not you, it’s your religion” than, “Sorry, Carey, it’s you”?
I understand the temptation to blame external forces. It’s much easier to look outside than to look within the relationship. When a man broke up with me recently, I told myself it was because of my media profile. The truth was, he just wasn’t into me. And, as hard as it is for Purcell to accept, these (Jewish) men weren’t into her either, or at least, they weren’t into her enough to commit for life.
Purcell’s partners did not break up with her because she wasn’t Jewish. If that was the reason, they would have told her! After all, how much easier is it to say, “It’s not you, it’s your religion” than, “Sorry, Carey, it’s you”?
Finally, the fact that Purcell’s ex boyfriends eventually married Jewish women doesn’t mean they deliberately sought out a Jewish spouse. They live in New York! The chances of meeting a Jewish person in New York are pretty damn high. After all, Purcell herself met and fell in love with two Jewish people. Why wouldn’t they do the same?
There is no evidence to suggest that Purcell’s partners regarded her as a ‘rebellion’ en route to finding a ‘nice Jewish girl’. The idea is preposterous, and more than a little insulting.
Having said that, I support the right of any person to date someone from their own cultural background. We all have the right to date and marry people who share our beliefs, our ideas, our values, and our religion.
More importantly, however, we all have the right to break up with whomever we choose. If a relationship isn’t working for one person, it’s just not working at all. And as hard as that is to accept for Purcell, sometimes, it’s really not about the culture.
Kerri Sackville is the author of . You can follow her on twitter .
