At the beginning of 2018, Amani Haydar began work on a painting. Three women emerged on the canvas: a self-portrait of Haydar in a bright floral hijab, cradling a photograph of her mother, who in turn, cradles a photograph of her mother. Framed like a nest of Russian dolls, they make a solemn, dark-eyes triptych. The painting, Insert Headline Here, would be selected as a finalist in that year's Archibald Prize.
For Haydar - an artist, author, former lawyer and domestic violence victim advocate - painting was the only way she could grapple with her story at the time.
Three years before, on the evening of March 30, 2015, her father Haydar Haydar murdered her mother Salwa in her home in Sydney's south. Salwa was stabbed over 30 times. Her father would be sentenced to 22 years in jail, but for Haydar, five moths pregnant at the time, and her two younger sisters, it marked the start of what was effectively a life sentence for those left behind.
Amani Haydar Source: Jason McCormack
Now, Haydar has followed up her painting with a book, The Mother Wound, a raw, hair-raising account of her mother's life and brutal death, and the social and cultural circumstances that allow so many of these murders to happen.
As she tells SBS Voices, taking control of her family's story was a way of reclaiming strength and agency and giving a voice to her mother who was so violently deprived of a chance to speak for herself. It was a way, too, to fight back against the media reports that "flattened my reality and gave a very two dimensional version of my world, and my mum's world."
It was a way, too, to fight back against the media reports that "flattened my reality and gave a very two dimensional version of my world, and my mum's world."
"When I got the chance to do my victim impact statement in court, it was both empowering and dissatisfying because it was so short. It prompted me to think, what do I do now with the rest of mum's story, how do I do it on my own terms without re-traumatising myself, how do I do it with audiences I connect with?"
At its core, The Mother Wound is about the silencing of women - literally, in the case of her mother, and her grandmother Teta, who was killed in an Israeli drone attack in Lebanon in 2006. Dead women, and their stories, drift in and out of the book like the silver olive groves Haydar recalls from childhood holidays on her grandmother's farm in rural Lebanon, trees like "old people, of soldiers, of ghosts."
On the day she was murdered, her mother became the to lose their lives to violence that year, according to data collected by the Counting Dead Women initiative of Facebook activist group .
Silenced by their murders, this book brings their voices to life, gives full account of the stories of ordinary women who die in unimaginable circumstances.
With lawyerly precision, Haydar interrogates difficult issues: the seeds of violent misogyny and the dark fruit they reap, father-daughter relationships gone horribly wrong, the strange dynamics of family relationships, toxic masculinity and the long shadow it casts, and the way the justice system often re-violated victims of violence - among other things she cites the fact that the so called "jealous-rage", or provocation defence, was only removed from the statute books in 2014.
It is thorny, harrowing terrain, no more so than when Haydar examines the issue of . Domestic violence isn't solely about physical violence, a common stereotype she herself internalised growing up. She cites the years of subtle control, verbal abuse and gaslighting her mother suffered at the hands of her father - an educated, supposedly enlightened, moderate Muslim man - that culminated in a sudden burst of murderous violence one night.
The Mother Wound Source: Pan Macmillan Australia
"I think it's hugely important that people become aware of the red flags that are less obvious, how abuse manifests in situations that don't necessarily fit the stereotypes. My dad definitely challenged all those stereotypes of what abuse can actually look like."
My dad definitely challenged all those stereotypes of what abuse can actually look like.
It is, harrowingly, one of the most devastating aspects of her book; Haydar's belated realisation of the true man beneath the civilised veneer. As she writes, "I'd always looked up to my father. I liked that he was smart and hardworking: things I was raised to value."
In writing The Mother Wound, Haydar was acutely aware of the double bind she was in. In interrogating the roots of violence in her community, she was also opening the door to Islamophobic hate and prejudice. Media reports on her father's crime invariably triggered an onslaught of hostile comment along the lines of "...an honour killing? What do you expect?"
Never mind that like so many other domestic murders in Australia, her mother's murder was all about male control, not religious or cultural dogma.
As a woman of faith, an Arab-Australian Muslim, and as a feminist, she understands the complexities of intersectionality - and how easily and erroneously we put people into boxes.
"When you're producing creative work and you know it's going to be subjected to an unsympathetic gaze...that's a huge thing to navigate on top of grief and trauma. So, yes, I did hesitate about writing this book. I've come to terms with that, that you can't control how audiences respond to things. I try to remind myself - who am I speaking to, what is my purpose, what do I want this work to achieve so it reflects me authentically?"
So what does she want the book to say to other women - mothers and daughters, motherless daughters, her own young daughter?
"First and foremost, I want to honour the strength and resilience and resourcefulness of women like my mother and grandmother who don't necessarily fit the image of what a strong or inspiring woman is...they are everyday heroes to me."
"I don't see them as victims or weak or lacking in agency or strength. I think their stories really exemplify these things, and I would want my own daughter to embrace that heritage and be proud of it."
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence or sexual assault phone 1800 RESPECT/ 1800 737 732 or visit For counselling, advice and support for men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, call the Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit ntv.org.au
The Mother Wound (Pan Macmillan Australia) is on sale June 29.
