As a teenager I didn’t date – at all. Growing up with Asian migrant parents, their aim in life was for their children to do well academically so that we could take care of them when we got older. At one point, I remember my (late) father actually thinking that I had no male friends even though I went to a public co-ed school. When we were out together as a family, and I would see one of my male friends from school, I had to pretend like I didn’t know him. True story.
My 20s were filled with lonely nights mixed in with a couple of FWB’s (Friends with Benefits) but I was more focused on my career to even notice if a guy looked my way. I wasn’t very confident growing up. I remember friends from school coming over to our house and telling me how beautiful my older sister was and you can imagine how that made me feel.
The past few years I’ve spent (mostly) alone however, I’ve been able to figure out who I am as a person; learning what I like and what I don’t; what/who deserves a place in my life and those that don’t.
With my 32nd birthday coming up, I finally feel like I’m in a good place, full of self-love and ready to share that love because that saying of “you have to love yourself first, before you can deeply love other people” is completely true, despite how cliché it may sound.
I’ve never allowed my friends to set me up because I don’t want to put them in the middle if it doesn’t work out. Once upon a time, I did try online dating, but to be honest I wasn’t bothered to fill out all the questions they ask you about yourself so I barely passed the registration process.
I chose Tinder because I wanted a confidence booster.
When I tell friends that I am on Tinder now, they automatically suggest all the other dating apps and websites that have worked for them or their friends. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a variation of one of the below comments:
“Have you tried Bumble/Hinge/happn? I met (insert name) on there!”
“You should definitely get on Coffee Meets Bagel - a friend of mine met her guy on there and now they’re engaged.”
“Two of my friends are getting married and they met on Tinder so you never know.”
The comments above always remind me of the opening scenes in He’s Just Not That Into You when the girlfriends are telling their friends lies and exaggerated examples to make the friend feel better about not having any luck with that guy.
Listen: I’m not looking for “the one.” I know it might be surprising to hear because of my age and all the years I’ve been single, but I went into this with little to no expectations and I’m not actively seeking to find my “soulmate” either.
I chose Tinder because I wanted a confidence booster, which all the matches provides. But I’ve learnt in my short four months of being on there that matches don’t mean anything until someone is game enough to send the first message and actually wants to get to know you beyond the physical attraction.
I had one guy tell me he had to block the numbers of 200 girls.
Then you have to keep that attraction going through a string of flirty/cheeky messages to each other until you’re both ready to meet IRL, hoping and praying that you’re not being cat-fished. Stressful right?
The first guy I matched with, it didn’t even leave the Tinder chat space. We were constantly talking for weeks because we just couldn’t work out a time to meet up – mainly because he worked nights and I worked during the day.
I’ve since been on my share of bad first dates: I had one guy tell me he had to block the numbers of 200 girls which automatically indicated red flags to me. On top of that, he also said he had an addictive personality. Honestly, is this information supposed to impress a girl?
The first guy I successfully met up, we ended up dating for six weeks. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to put all my energy into just the one guy – mainly because I was bored a few weeks in. But he was such a good kisser that it made me curious about the intimate part of the relationship.
Unfortunately, just because you’re a good kisser does not make you good in bed. If anyone remembers the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie beds the Energiser Bunny, well let me just tell you, I know how she feels.
I’ve decided to only commit to Tinder (and dating in general) for a year. If after 12 months, nothing comes out of it, then I can accept that I was meant to be single – which I’m totally fine with.
At least I tried, right?
There is a positive to online dating in your 30s that I’ve learnt, and that is with life experience and growth as a person, I know who I am as a woman and what I actually like in a guy so I have no problem in cutting the date short if I’m just “not feeling it” - as brutal as it might be for the person sitting across the table from me. It’s happened. #SorryNotSorry
