Two years ago, I being a secret daughter born from an affair. At the time, it was a way for me to grapple with how I fit into a decision made by two adults. How I was created in this world, my existence, turned into a taboo because of it.
Coming face to face with my parents’ story has been lonely at times. There is no ‘child from affair’ support group you can join to express your feelings to others who have been through similar situations. Even when you cast a search out into the pool of the internet, there isn’t a lot of useful information that speaks to those in this position. Often, the narrative is toxic, focused on blame, or who is more at fault than the other – why one party is ‘bad’ and deserves to suffer the consequences of their decisions.
Unfortunately, for those of us who are living within it, this just adds to the loneliness. It seems to cement the fact that what you went through, or are going through, isn’t normal, isn’t ordinary, that you are different and that if you share this experience as a child or a parent, you have every right to be judged.
For a long time, that difference shamed me. Shame that ultimately wasn’t mine to carry. This is why I took the step to write about my experience, to peel back the layers of secrets until I chipped away enough that I could see all the way through.
Coming face to face with my parents’ story has been lonely at times
With my story shared online and my secret there for the world to read, I began to hear from others who lived in the same, solitary universe.
The first communication I had was from a man on the other side of the world. He was a similar age to me. His email began by thanking me for sharing my experience. He told me it was brave and that many of my experiences were similar to his.
He too was the child from an affair. Like me, his mum had a relationship with a married man. This man also chose to keep his existence a secret from his wife and his family.
The impact this had on him has been profound and still is. Since then, I have remained in contact. We share updates from time to time and talk about how we are coping. While our stories are unique and vary greatly in details, it feels like a minor miracle to share an understanding about our origin stories, to be in community.
The desire for our experience to be validated, to feel understood, is predominantly the reason for many other women and men who have reached out to me since then. Via email or social media, I am often first asked if I am the Shona who wrote the ‘secret child from an affair’ story.
Shona Hendley: ‘There is a sense of deprivation and abandonment that being rejected by your own biological parents causes.’ Source: Supplied
When I respond with yes, the second message is usually long, them sharing some of their most private information, their secret that they too have carried for years.
*Maz, a US expat now living in Australia, shared her story with me. Although Maz has been in contact with her father sporadically throughout her life, she too is a secret from the majority her father’s family.
There is a sense of deprivation and abandonment that being rejected by your own biological parents causes. This feeling never goes away and shapes your identity as an adult.
In Maz’s case, one of her half-siblings eventually found out about her due to a home DNA test, and located her through an ancestry site. While their relationship has had twists and turns, they are currently on good terms and speak regularly. To the rest of her biological father’s family, however, her existence continues to be a secret.
Since 2020, I have heard from children of affairs from all over the world
Since 2020, I have heard from children of affairs from all over the world. Some have just discovered the situation they are a part of, others have known for years; some are still secrets, others are not.
Some had happy endings with families who embraced them, and others felt the wrath of more permanent rejections when the truth did not bring with it the acceptance and love they had always yearned for.
Regardless of each person’s experience, much of the impact of being a child from an affair has been the same – often painful and never-ending. Knowing that you are not alone, however, and that there are others, is a silver lining.
For me, hearing from those in the same universe is something that helps peel back the old layers of shame each time. Allowing the light and warmth of understanding through that isn’t just comforting, but healing.
* Name has been changed.
