As was the case for many people, my year kicked off with a bang. This year is an especially big one as my has just been published. It’s something I’ve worked on for years. So as 2023 dawned, I realised that if I wanted to truly be present for everything the publication of my novel would bring, then I needed to reduce some of my mental load.
I’m not one to have new year’s resolutions. Instead, I try to work on myself consistently and set various goals throughout the year. However, as 2022 drew to a close, it was hard for me to deny that in many ways, especially when it came to my mental health, I was drowning. I have three kids, I work and I also have a big project culminating this year. Something needed to give. That’s why I thought if I was going to make a new year’s resolution, it would be this: to off-load more tasks to other people. Especially domestic ones.
It was hard for me to deny that in many ways, especially when it came to my mental health, I was drowning
It started with my daughter’s birthday at the start of the year. Rather than hold a party for her with extended family coming to my place, we decided to hold the party at my parent’s place. I was conscious that this was just passing the mental load from me onto them, but rather than cooking everything from scratch as my mother usually does, I persuaded her to get takeaway. If you know anything about desi mums, then you’d know cooking for guests is very much a cultural expectation. This, however, was one expectation I was happy to overturn. We ordered some biryani from a great restaurant and all I had to do was bring the cake! The day turned out wonderfully.
At home, I made changes too. A while back I read that if your kids are able to operate digital devices such as iPads and video game consoles, then they’re able to operate dishwashers and washing machines. It’s why my primary school-aged son has been unloading the dishes, hanging out the laundry, bringing it in when it’s dry and sorting it for a few years now.
If your kids are able to operate digital devices such as iPads and video game consoles, then they’re able to operate dishwashers and washing machines
However, there’s a lot of nagging involved to get him and his siblings to complete the tasks. My Year 8 daughter, for example, is responsible for vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom and baking snacks for school, but let me tell you: it’s not easy to get her to do these jobs.
That's why, at the beginning of this year, I sat down with my children and tried my best to explain why I needed them to step up. And being the considerate children they are, they listened and have for the most part done their chores without me nagging them. However, I also know it’s the holidays and come term time I may have to go back to nagging again!
I have also become aware that just having my kids do any domestic chores is unusual because it seems in many households kids don’t do any chores – it’s the . If this is the case in your household, try getting the kids to do more around the house – they are capable of more than we give them credit for. You’ll be doing them a favour, too: from La Trobe University found that children who regularly participate in chores have better executive functioning, which in turn could help them in school.
For women who live with their partners, it’s imperative you stop doing all the domestic work for them – the shows that Australian women do more than an hour of extra unpaid labour each day than men, and enjoy less leisure time. This was something that was non-negotiable for me when it came to settling down with my husband. I had never been a domestic goddess and I wasn’t going to start becoming one, either. It’s why we have shared much of the domestic load from the start.
When my life stepped up a notch this year, the best thing has been not having to tell my husband I needed more help. He knew it intrinsically and has been pulling more weight at home.
We didn’t get to this point overnight. Getting my family to understand that they need to pull their weight domestically has literally been years in the making
We didn’t get to this point overnight. Getting my family to understand I need help and that they need to pull their weight domestically has literally been years in the making. But now it’s a huge relief to know I don’t always have to worry about those tasks. Especially when I’m finally at a point where my dream of having a book published is a reality.
I don’t think you need to wait for a major juncture in your life to want to reduce your mental load. Be it a new year’s resolution or just a different way of doing things, you’re never going to regret off-loading the burden you didn’t know you were carrying. Trust me, it feels so much better.
is an author and freelance writer. Her debut novel, , is out now through Penguin Australia.
