On the night she was killed by her partner, Katie Haley had checked her social media accounts, packed a bag and was attempting to leave her relationship.
It was an act of independence by the 29-year-old Melbourne waitress and mother-of-two that threw the opaque, misunderstood abuse she had endured for four years into shocking focus.
What Katie’s family were to learn in the cruellest of ways is that a series of controlling behaviours, like tracking Facebook, almost always precedes violent abuse - and that homicide is often the first sign of physical violence in a relationship.
Her story is part of SBS’s new three-part documentary series, See What You Made Me Do, which premieres on SBS and SBS On Demand on May 5. In what presenter and author Jess Hill calls 'paradigm-changing television', the series explores the complex nature of domestic abuse. In , the year of Katie’s death, 63 women in Australia were killed by a current or former partner.
Bianca and Boyd Unwin. Source: Jackson Finter
For Bianca Unwin, Katie’s sister, the program is a call to recognise how coercive control is so often and so fatally misinterpreted, even to those closest to the truth. Speaking with SBS Voices, Bianca, 23, describes a happy relationship that almost imperceptibly turned darker.
“It started as a conversation,” says Bianca, a support worker, of the very first outward signs of Shane Robertson’s abuse of Katie.
Initially, he commented on Katie’s Facebook friends, and began dissuading her from befriending men, isolating her from her social group. It was after the birth of their baby girl that his jealousy intensified, recalls Bianca. Katie told her that she was in trouble for posting photos that didn’t include Shane, but instead focused on their child.
Shane constantly brought up the subject of her photos, attempting to involve the family in the conversation. “We put it down to ‘Oh, he’s just a bit insecure, even though she’s given him no reason for that,’” Bianca says.
“There was yelling and fighting in their relationship but it was not witnessed publicly. He did those things behind closed doors.“
His surveillance spread to Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook Messenger, where Katie deactivated her accounts “countless” times because Shane constantly checked her online status. Much of her social media use, explains Bianca, was work-related, with rosters and updates from her team at Castello’s Victorian Tavern posted in group chats.
“If she was active, and if she hadn’t communicated with him, he would harass her relentlessly by texting or calling,” she remembers. Katie had to be on the phone to Shane from the moment she left home until arriving at work, and then immediately after signing off from work.
He created fake Facebook and Instagram accounts under the alias of a woman and used the false identity to approach her male co-workers, initiating chats with them and implying that Katie was flirtatious, attractive and not to be trusted. Again and again, he claimed Katie was cheating on him.
And, again and again, his behaviour was misguidedly put down to intimacy. “It is a social norm that if someone texts you multiple times, they love you so much that they just can’t stop talking to you,” Bianca says of the problematic social norms that posited jealousy as a sign of love.
The sisters even laughed off the behaviour in strings of light-hearted messages they sent one another. “I can’t believe that we had these conversations and we couldn’t see the severity of what was happening,” recalls Bianca. “That’s really alarming to me because we really downplayed it, Katie and myself, making jokes of it.”
As Shane serves a 24-year prison sentence for murder, the series is a chance for Bianca to reverse that underestimation of controlling behaviour and to label it as the dangerous domestic abuse that it really is. Step one, she says, is to know what the signs are, as ambiguous as they can be.
“Looking back, we wish we could have taken action the moment we knew she was being entrapped. The moment that we knew she couldn’t get away from him texting, calling - before it even got to the social media aspect of it - is definitely where we wish we’d have intervened,” says Bianca. “Now of course I see the red flags for what they are and want to highlight how small they start off as.”
Six days before her death, her father Boyd Unwin cautioned Shane against mistreating Katie and was given the reassurance that he would never lay hands on her. That week, Shane appealed to Bianca to admit to his false belief that Katie was cheating on him. She told him he was delusional - a moment she now views as denting Shane’s control over her sister.
That evening, Katie headed home after work with, Bianca believes, no fear and still in love with Shane. She saw the good in him and was determined to stay strong for her children. A flurry of social media use, a half-packed bag and an attempt to walk away ended in his deadly rage. He used a barbell to beat her to death.
Holding an image of her loyal, brave and doting sister in her mind, Bianca says the best way to support a loved one who is being coercively controlled is to stay connected and to maintain their trust in a situation that is extremely isolating.
In February, she and her father set up a Facebook support group for those affected by coercive control called Keep Trying Domestic Violence Support. She sees it as turning the tables on abusers, using social media for empowerment. The pair has been struck by the number of women and men who have approached them for help.
“Social media does not kill people, what kills people are the ways that people utilise it,” Bianca says. “It’s incredibly important for anyone who feels like they are trapped in social media and on their phones by their partners, to acknowledge that this type of abuse is domestic violence. Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean that it’s not a gateway to becoming physical or that it’s not a gateway to more severe coercive control.
“The moment you feel uncomfortable, the moment something doesn’t sit right, you need to feel comfortable enough to talk about it and acknowledge it for what it is.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence or sexual assault phone 1800RESPECT/1800 737 732 or visit . For counselling, advice and support for men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, call the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit .
premieres 8:30pm Wednesday 5 May on SBS and SBS On Demand. The three-part series continues weekly, and every episode will be simulcast on NITV. (Episodes will be repeated at 9.30pm Sundays on SBS VICELAND from 9 May).
