For most of us, grandparents play a warm, supportive role in our childhoods. But for Blythe, 23, a young Victorian raised in the small country town of Khancoban, Wodonga, this benign reality doesn’t apply.
For her, her paternal grandmother, Tina, a Thai immigrant who lived nearby, was a malignant part of her childhood.
As a child, she had always felt uneasy around Tina, she says. Tina was harsh, judgmental and stern, Blythe felt. But it took the birth of her younger sister to truly reveal how Tina felt about Blythe. Tina said to me “that she liked my sister better than me.” At the time, Blythe believes she was aged around five. Years later, the memory still makes her emotional.
Blythe believes Tina’s behaviour badly affected her sense of self-worth and identity. At 19, she says, she had a breakdown. “I couldn’t leave the house for a month, I was crying every day, and it was almost like everything to do with my childhood just kind of hit me in the face.”
Years of therapy helped her recover. “I started seeing a psychologist, and she’s seen me through a lot of stages, she’s got me from there to now, and that is so great.”
One day, she saw an ad looking for participants for a new SBS show, , that sought to test a unique theory advanced by neuroscientists - direct eye contact can communicate more than words. Hosted by Ray Martin, the show would bring together 17 pairs of estranged people who would stare into each other’s eyes for five minutes, and then be given the opportunity to talk, perhaps heal scars, afterwards.
It’s always been something that has been a dark secret of mine. I don’t tell people about it, that I’ve always had this odd relationship with my grandmother, this weird past that I can’t explain.
To Blythe, participating in the show presented a chance to confront her grandmother. “It’s always been something that has been a dark secret of mine," Blythe says. "I don’t tell people about it, that I’ve always had this odd relationship with my grandmother, this weird past that I can’t explain.
“I’ve always felt our relationship was about her having power over me. She has always been in charge of my insecurities, my idea of who I am, what I think of myself. And I think for me, having the power to be in charge, was good.
“I wanted to get some kind of clarity and closure. And so with the show, this was the first time I’ve been able to be in control of things - that’s why it was an emotional thing for me, because I faced her, and basically took control of it.”
Tina gets to give her side of the story during episode three of Look Me In The Eye on SBS. (SBS) Source: SBS
How did it feel, physically and mentally, when she saw Tina for the first time?
Blythe offers a long pause before she responds. “I pretty much felt… I don’t know. Nothing. My body just shut down, a protective mechanism I think.”
Could she maintain eye contact? “I definitely struggled, but also, it was weird - I didn’t feel that I knew her face, because it’s been so long. It was foreign, like sitting in front of someone I didn’t know.”
“…And it sounds really bad, but I didn’t care how she felt, her response or reaction.” She can’t remember if Tina apologised – a strange kind of amnesia, fuelled by the stress of the reunion has clouded her memories.
I definitely struggled, but also, it was weird - I didn’t feel that I knew her face, because it’s been so long. It was foreign, like sitting in front of someone I didn’t know.
But for all that, as Blythe tells SBS, she still felt a sense of catharsis. “I feel a lot better, actually. It’s still my version of closure, because I’ve always spoken about her, but never confronted her.
“Dealing with it this way, I suppose, means that now she will go away [thinking about] what I have had to say, and she can sit with that – the truth of it – just like I have.”
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The ground-breaking new six-part documentary series, , continues on Wednesdays on SBS at 8.30pm. Each episode will be available to view on SBS On Demand after broadcast.
