Adriana Belotti has never believed in marriage. Belotti, 46, a digital marketer who relocated from Brazil to Sydney in 2005 has always been less-than-optimistic about Instagram-ready weddings or the legal implications of spending your life bound to one person. It’s an instinct that’s partly generational.
“Maybe the fact that my parents never got married has something to do with it!” laughs Belotti, who’s spent the last three years in a long-term relationship. “Back in Brazil, it was really odd for divorced people to get remarried and when my dad met my mum, they decided to never get married. It was the ‘70s, so people were conservative but once their families got over it, it was normal.
“I think we regulate too many things in life and relationships shouldn’t be one of them. People are inducted from an early age into believing in this big, special day but every day of your life is special! If you want to have a party go for it! Making a big deal about it has never really [resonated] with me.”
I think we regulate too many things in life and relationships shouldn’t be one of them.
Belotti isn’t alone when it comes to denouncing marriage, an institution that’s evolved from a medieval property transaction between a father and their future son-in-law, to the highest form of romantic expression to a vehicle for proudly declaring your values — whether those skew traditional (white dress, church, champagne), unconventional (red dress, backyard, craft beer) or somewhere in-between.
According to a , marriage rates in Australia have been steadily decreasing over the last few years, down 4,282 since 2011. And October 2016 statistics from found that millennial women are open to staying unmarried at a rate that’s dramatically higher than previous generations. It predicts that a third of millennial women will never marry with a similar scenario for men.
Jess Ison, 31, is a writer and researcher at La Trobe University in Melbourne. Ison identifies as queer and finds it impossible to overlook the role of marriage as a heteronormative institution with a history of oppressing women. She believes that it’s a perspective that’s been silenced throughout the same-sex marriage debate.
“I’m part of a queer community and we’re building family structures that are different to that model,” she tells SBS. “There are issues with them, of course, but we’ve done this amazing work of creating these interesting communities, this constellation of intimates and this is being sidelined by the fact that we’re just like straight people, but gay — which is not true for all of us!
"Of course, it’s not that you can’t share your life with one person but the most enduring relationships in my family were between my aunts and between my mother and her best friend.”
“We have this to offer, yet we’re being boxed in [to institutions created by straight people for straight people].”
Ison, who voted “yes” in the postal survey — a choice she puts down to “harm reduction” — says the same-sex marriage debate also highlights the ongoing relationship between marriage and privilege. But she adds that her friends in rainbow families also face difficult stakes.
“I think the people who want marriage are the ones who are going to benefit the most from it — couples who are in monogamous relationships, who have children, who are middle to upper class,” she says. “In the 70s, lesbian feminists in America were calling for the end of marriage. The fight back then was about gaining access to their partner’s healthcare! But your partner needs to have healthcare to begin with [in order to later gain access to it].”
“I think the people who want marriage are the ones who are going to benefit the most from it — couples who are in monogamous relationships, who have children, who are middle to upper class,” she says.
Belotti thinks that marriage will be a marker of equality as long as married couples enjoy benefits that single people don’t. “In the eyes of the law, if two people want to be in a civil union together, they should have the same rights — a gay couple should have the same tax benefits as a married couple! I’ve always said let everyone get married or nobody get married!”
Not that you’ll find her shopping for an engagement ring.
“I’ve had three major relationships and I’m always upfront about not wanting to get married,” she explains. “I don’t believe that relationships last forever. It’s more relaxed that way, more my style.”
