It was at the 8-months-pregnant-and-very-big-and-over-it phase of my recent pregnancy that I was picking my son up from school. While I was waiting at the gate, a complete stranger — in an attempt to join a conversation I was having with someone else — told me that I looked huge. She then doubled back and remarked if I was sure they hadn’t made a mistake that I wasn’t carrying twins because I was so big, and that she’d thought for sure I was due to give birth any day now.
I gave a quick smile through gritted teeth and willed my son to make an appearance so I could get out of there. On the spectrum of insensitive encounters, it was right up there. But her remarks weren’t anything new. In fact, I’d heard these things time and again over the course of my pregnancy.
The funny thing about growing a human is that you’re at your most emotionally vulnerable, even though your body is doing one of the most powerful things it can do. Unfortunately, it’s also a time when people tend to let their conversation filters go. Whether it’s to comment on your size or regale you with their traumatic birth story or tell you that your life as you know it is over.
In the interests of perhaps saving just one pregnant woman from having to deal with her fill of irritating comments this week, I’m sharing what I wish more people knew when it comes to chatting to a mama-to-be.
Being pregnant means you’re likely dealing with all sorts of fun things like sleepless nights, running out of clothes that fit, being swollen everywhere and the general heaviness that comes from carrying a watermelon in your stomach 24/7. So, unless you’re an absolute masochist, the last thing you need is for someone to lob a comment your way that doesn’t begin and end with “you look great”.
So, in the interests of perhaps saving just one pregnant woman from having to deal with her fill of irritating comments this week, I’m sharing what I wish more people knew when it comes to chatting to a mama-to-be. I know it might be tricky to know what to say at times — so take it from someone who was there only three months ago (and has been there twice before). There’s a good way to make conversation and there’s the kind of chat that’s best avoided.
Size comments are a no-go
Let’s all agree that there’s no need to use size as a topic of conversation unless the pregnant woman in question is specifically asking you what you think of their appearance. Even if a comment is intended as a “joke” (I got the twins remark quite a lot and let me tell you it got very, very tired). There are likely only a few people in someone’s circle who they feel comfortable having such exchanges with, and if you’re not 100 per cent sure you fall in that category, just don’t. A little sensitivity goes a long way.
Avoid super personal questions
I once had a cashier look at my belly and say “Oh you’re pregnant. Was it planned?”. There was also another time when someone started off by making polite enquiries about my pregnancy then quickly escalated to “How did you do it?”. (I mean, how comprehensively can a person ever answer that question? There are plenty of helpful videos online.) If you wouldn’t go up to a random person and ask “Hey, (how) did you have sex last night?”, then you don’t need to know the mechanics of someone else’s pregnancy. If you’re ever at a loss for conversation topics, might I suggest just sticking to weather or pop culture chit chat?
Be mindful of what you share
One thing I discovered early on is that being visibly pregnant is like sending out a Bat signal for people to share unsolicited advice with you. I remember being pregnant for the first time and staring down the barrel of giving birth in the coming weeks, and everyone wanted to unload on me. Everything from traumatic births, to telling me I’d never sleep again to expecting to “have my nipples torn to shreds”. I like to be informed as much as the next person, but that kind of ‘advice’ only made my anxiety levels soar. I do remember the handful of people who shared their uplifting stories and gently imparted tips and I was ever so grateful to them. Be one of those people.
Tread carefully in the third trimester
The third trimester is when you are simply ready to not be pregnant anymore. You’re tired, you’re swollen, you get puffed out walking to the fridge and if you’re parenting other kids, your stress levels are sky high. Funnily, it also coincides with the time when strangers liked to shower you with questions. This is when you’re constantly asked when you’re due, if you’ve had the baby yet (come on, look into my fed-up eyes), if you’ve tried [insert weird thing that brings on labour] or how you’re planning to give birth. Most of the time, this is coming from a well-meaning place but dealing with a seemingly constant inquisition isn’t something anyone wants at the pointy end of pregnancy. So, one of the best things you can do is ask if there’s anything a pregnant person might need help with. Or — simply tell them they’re doing great and you hope everything goes brilliantly. Unless your pregnant conversation partner feels like venting, of course. In which case, just listen.
Talk about non-pregnancy related things
When you’re pregnant, sometimes pregnancy starts to become the only topic people assume you want to talk about. Sure, it’s nice for people to be interested in how you’re feeling/doing, but sometimes you just want to have a good ol’ chat about something else, because — let me tell you — when you’re expecting, you talk (and think) about being pregnant a lot.
Pregnancy is a time of huge changes and it’s challenging on all fronts – physically, mentally and emotionally. So, let’s all do our part for the sake of (incoming) humanity, commit the above to memory and if all else fails, always tell that pregnant friend/lover/stranger she’s glowing.
