For thousands of years, people have tried to define love.
What it is, what it feels like, where to find it, how to keep it and how to live when we lose it.
But, despite all the efforts, love remains one of the most complex concepts we face.
There are things we all do when love comes, or leaves, and one is seeking out advice - most often from the women in our lives.
Our mothers, sisters, aunties, cousins and nanas are endless wells of knowledge, especially on love.
We've brought together three staunch Blak women to share their journey with love, their greatest lessons and their best advice.
Sex, love and everything in between
Karajarri woman Lauren French is a registered sexologist and Head of Education at Body Safety Australia, a child-focused anti-violence organisation.
When it comes to love, Lauren says she's yet to find a true definition.
"Love can feel like passion and joy in a romantic partner. It can feel like the deep connection and acceptance of being known by a close friend. It can feel like safety and warmth from the shared experience of family," she said.
"I don’t like to raise one above another, as I think you need love in all its beautiful and messy forms."
Sex remains a taboo topic in society, with patriarchal and colonial narratives still being heralded above progress.
"We still have a sex-negative society, we have gendered expectations and people carrying huge amounts of sexual shame," she explained.
"While there's no issue in enjoying sex without love, or needing love to enjoy sex, if we’ve been conditioned to believe that’s an issue, it will be. We judge ourselves so harshly on our sexual desires and experiences, but rarely do we dive into the why behind the judgment."
Sex and love have a complex relationship, but Lauren believes it's often overcomplicated.
Sex should always have a foundation of respect and intimacy, it's how we make sure it's consensual and everyone is having fun!
"If it's casual, loveless and we’re enjoying some degradation play - the foundation remains," she said.
"As far as sex’s importance within romantic love, that completely depends on the individual and the partnership. I’ve worked with people who had great relationships that didn’t involve sex, awful relationships that had heaps of sex, and mixtures of the two.
"Sex is allowed to be important and can often be a deal breaker in our romantic lives. But everyone's threshold around how important sex is looks different."
When it comes to the rhetoric that you can't love until you love yourself, Lauren thinks it's complex.
"It's amazing that socially we’re moving away from the idea that we need partners and external opinions to validate our self-worth. We work on appreciating and loving ourselves separate to the feeling from partner's compliments," she explains.
"But I’ve seen some take this to mean you can’t date or have a healthy relationship with anyone unless you love yourself completely - that we can’t have human insecurities or negative self-thought while maintaining a good relationship. This I think is a tad extreme.
"We shouldn’t get all our love and validation from our partners, but we are allowed to experience a loving supportive partner who helps us with our own self-love or appreciation journey."
Lauren is a sexologist and sexuality educator with anti-violence organisation Body Safety Australia. Credit: BodySafetyAu
"When I feel loved, I feel seen for my authentic self. Everything that makes me, me, gets witnessed and accepted," she said.
"Now that doesn’t mean everything I do is great, because I do some annoying stuff! But it's like arms wrapping around all those parts, warts and all. And I’ve learned my authentic self is pretty great."
Getting comfortable with your sexuality
At 17, Allira Potter lost her mum.
"Growing up, Mum was a single parent so she did everything for us," she said.
"She modelled healthy love for me, she gave so much of it too so losing that love so young was hard."
By the time the Yorta Yorta woman was 26, she was married and divorced.
"I thought that was what love was, or should be. Society tells us we should marry a man, get a house, have children, all those things. So, I just assumed that how I felt was love," she said.
"It took me time to realise that I wasn't really in love with that man, and I didn't want to live my life that way. Having that conversation with him was tough, but we were in agreement, we knew we weren't meant for each other.
"Letting each other go was probably the best thing that we've ever done for each other."
Leaving her marriage enabled Allira to learn more about who she was, including her sexuality.
"I realised that I wasn't attracted to a specific gender but more the energy of a person. Once I started to explore that more, I started to become more comfortable with my sexuality," she said.
It took a long time to get comfortable within myself and be ok with 'labelling' myself as a lesbian.
Now, Allira is happily engaged to the love of her life Imogen.
When they met, Allira was living in Geelong and Imogen in Adelaide. They dated long-distance before Allira relocated.
Allira said she knew she was making the right choice when proposing because the love she had reminded her of the way her Mum's love made her feel.
"Imogen is the first person that's made me feel like I can be myself, I don't need to change and that's the value she's added to my life. I don't have to change, I can be who I really am," she said.
"I used to think I wasn't ready for a relationship because I wasn't healed, or that I couldn't be loved because of that. Now I know that if you're in the right relationship, you can do that work while being loved."
Allira and her fiancé, Imogen, after their proposal. Source: Instagram / Allira Potter
"I feel like when you're young you fall into things so quickly. But don't settle for just anybody, wait for the right person," she said.
"You have so much love to give, and you deserve someone who can give that same love back, and that love will be easy, really easy."
Leaving violence and relearning love
Ashlee met her ex-partner at 21 and left at 38. She remembers the difficulty of leaving him.
"A lot of people don't want to end the relationship they just want the violence to stop and sometimes, a lot of the times the violence doesn't stop. So, when you leave, the love doesn't leave you," she said.
"It's not cut and dry. People forget about the emotional attachment and toll that comes with loving someone that hurts you."
Three years after leaving, Ashlee had two degrees and was in New York City for New Year's Eve. Sailing past the Statue of Liberty, with the snow falling and fireworks going off above her, she realised how far she had come.
"I realised that I could do anything. From 21 to basically 40, I was a mouse on a treadmill," she said.
"Really, it's only in the last 15 years that I've gotten my life together.
I want that to be a sign for women who think they can't have a life or can't get out of these relationships. You can be whatever you want to be, let me be living proof of that.
Ashlee's perception of love has now completely shifted.
"I don't fear love now. If there is any part of my story that people listen to it's that violence isn't love," she said.
"What I want when it comes to love is respect, loyalty, commitment and trust. It's not having to look after each other and be each other's all. It's the freedom to do what I want when I want.
"I don't wanna fix anyone, I don't want to teach anyone about Aboriginal people or how to treat women. Come equipped and we will grow together."
When it comes to the next leading man in her life, Ashlee has a few requirements.
"Good sex! And I don't care if they're bald, but they gotta have good teeth," she laughed.
Ashlee spent 14 years in a violent relationship, now she supports Aboriginal women escaping. Source: Instagram / Ashlee Donohue
"Mudgin-Gal changed me, and the trajectory of my life. If I had not found this place, I wouldn't be here," she said.
"I want this organisation to be, for all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women, what it was for me - and that is a safe place to come, be, learn and heal with women who have been through similar to you. Strength and healing come from being together.
"We laugh and carry on, have serious conversations and cry, but then laugh again. You will always leave better than how you came in."
She believes it's the love of women for each other that is sometimes the most powerful.
"We stand on the shoulders of giants, my mother, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, all the sacrifices they've made and the love they gave for me to be here and do this work," she said.
"We are more than our trauma, we are more than our wounds, if we don't celebrate, acknowledge and teach that as we continue then we are doing a terrible disservice to our matriarchs."
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732)
13YARN 13 92 76
Aboriginal Counselling Services 0410 539 905
1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)
Lifeline 13 11 14
