Insight hosts a frank and honest discussion with those who are bucking social norms and experiencing a midlife reawakening of their sexuality. Watch Tuesday, March 7 from 8:30pm on SBS or SBS On Demand.
Rachel has been married for 20 years and built a family but has never had a sex life.
As a young woman, Rachel was adventurous and eager to explore her sexuality, but her South-East Asian family expected her to marry early and become a mother. By her early 20s, Rachel was engaged to her husband after a few weeks of dating.
“I don’t think my husband and I were compatible. We were so busy focusing on trying to meet the milestones that society places on us, and also culturally as well,” Rachel told Insight.
Rachel and her husband have three children, who were all conceived through IVF.
Rachel meets her escort on a weekly basis.
Rachel’s 40th birthday was a turning point, as the lack of intimacy in her relationship became unbearable.
“I felt deprived of a basic human need, that most people desire, just to feel affection and touch. Deprivation makes anyone hungry,” Rachel said.
“I needed that intimacy, I wanted to be cuddled, I wanted to be kissed, I wanted to feel as though I was desirable as a woman.”
I felt deprived of a basic human need, that most people desire, just to feel affection and touch. Deprivation makes anyone hungry.Rachel
Rachel’s husband agreed on an “indefinite hall pass”, meaning Rachel was free to satisfy her sexual needs outside their marriage. After four years of research and consideration, she booked an overnight session with an escort, Samuel Hunter.
“I’m seeing a service provider who provides me with a wonderful experience. Meeting Samuel for the first time was extremely nerve-wracking. But when I saw Samuel’s profile and website it gave me this feeling of comfort and assurance that I would be safe,” Rachel said.
For the past year, Rachel has been meeting Samuel on a weekly basis.
“Our time is spent 95 per cent socialising and five per cent in the bedroom. There are times where we don’t even have to have sex because we just had a great time. And then we just have a cuddle in bed. That’s nice for me because I don’t get that in my real life,” Rachel said.
Samuel Hunter became an escort when he was 40. Credit: Samantha Heather Photography
Rachel has found that seeing an escort gives her the sense of control and safety she needs to feel comfortable.
“Samuel is amazing, he gives me a safe space, I’m heard when I’m with him.”
Samuel became an escort when he was 40, after seeing a documentary about a sex worker who worked with people with disability.
There are times where we don’t even have to have sex .Rachel
“It kind of got me wondering if I could do that,’ Samuel said on Insight.
“It took me a while to get the confidence to actually go into it because everybody else on the advertising platform has got an eight-pack and they’re ten years younger.”
Samuel says most of his clients are women in their 40s and 50s.
He says he gets fulfilment from his job by providing a safe space for women to explore their sexuality.
“In my opinion that’s what the job is all about, it’s not about anything to do with what I want or what I’m trying to achieve. It’s about providing a safe space for people who really need it and something so intimate,” he said.
Dr Hilary Caldwell is a sexologist who has studied women who buy sexual services and agreed there has been a recent cultural shift.
“The sex industry was once seen as a service for men, and that perception has changed,” she said.
“Women are becoming more sexually awakened and they want to even up the pleasure deficit. They know they need to feel more powerful to do this, and buying sexual services is one of the ways they can learn the necessary skills.”
I have seen the volume of women calling me double in the past three to five years.William Taylor
Dr Caldwell has found that women are buying sexual services in rapidly increasing numbers and that more male heterosexual sex workers are appearing.
“The digital age has changed a lot, and it has increased people’s ideas about what the sex industry is,” she told Insight.
Women who bought sexual services were empowered to practice initiating and negotiating sexual activities.
“That’s so important for consent conversations, which need to be a full conversation incorporating not just permission but enthusiasm to enhance everyone’s pleasure,” she said.
Rachel, who is still married said that seeing Samuel weekly for the past year has changed her.
“It’s definitely changed my outlook on life, I’ve been feeling better, I’m happy.
“I’m satisfied, I don’t think I need anything else now.”
