Watch Insight's episode on Letting Go – where we ask when, if ever, is the right time to let go, and if holding on can hold you back – on .
One moment in the summer of 2016, I didn't want to be alive.
At the time, my little brother Ford had just discovered the joys of cooking. He’d recently nailed a pavlova, so was keen to try his hand at a savoury dish and cook dinner for our family. He chose to cook ginger salmon.
In the supermarket he wasn’t sure where to find ginger or even what it looked like. Instead of describing it, I thought it would be easier just to grab it for him. That night he cooked a beautiful dinner for us.
Little did we know it was the last night the four of us would sit at the table together.
The next day was Australia Day. I was 19, Ford was 17. I was behind the wheel, driving Ford from our farm to the train station. I lost control of my car around a bend and ran off the road.
Ford died beside me.
It was two minutes that changed my life and my family’s life forever.
Pollyanna Guthrie was driving her little brother Ford to the train station in January 2016 when she lost control of the car on a bend and hit a tree. Her brother died in the crash. Source: Supplied
I couldn’t imagine having to tell my parents that he was gone, let alone how it happened.
'Guilt settled like sediment'
Ford’s death was also the end of my parents' dream.
It's always special for parents when their children want to take over the family farm. I nearly always stalled the manual ute and have a self-diagnosed allergy to sheep work. Farm life was not for me. It was for Ford.
It was his dream to return to the farm and follow in his parents’ and grandparents’ footsteps. That dream died the day he did.
The guilt settled like sediment in my stomach. It made my bones ache. I can’t describe how painful the following weeks were, seeing my family and Ford’s friends in such pain.
On top of everything loomed the possibility of legal action. Ultimately, it was dismissed and life continued as ‘normal’, whatever normal was now.
Finding peace by holding on
A week or two after Ford’s death, I found a shrivelled piece of ginger in the fridge drawer. I realised straight away that's what Ford had used to cook our last dinner together as a family.
Half of this piece of ginger is now part of the Museum of Broken Relationships collection in Croatia, accompanied by the cherished memory of our final meal together.
A piece of ginger helps Pollyanna Guthrie to hold onto her little brother, who died in a car crash. He used it to cook their last dinner together as a family. Source: Supplied
Adding the piece of ginger enabled me to share a special moment with Ford with others and keep his memory alive.
Though I haven’t entirely let go of the guilt of what happened, I’ve come to a sense of peace with it. And I try to live the life that Ford would have wanted me to.
These days the other half of the ginger stays with me, which enables me to hold onto my brother.
As difficult and painful as it is to hold on, that ginger reminds me of what a great relationship I had with him. And what an impact he had on my life.
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