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I met Shane when we started working as teachers at a new school.
We connected as friends, having common interests in film, TV and music. We learned that we had grown up in the same town, so there was an almost instant comfort and familiarity in our conversations, and we laughed a lot.
I didn’t think of Shane in a romantic sense. I recall a friend asking if there were any good-looking single men at my work. My response to her was (with Shane in mind), that there was one man who was gorgeous but not my type in personality and he was also five years younger than me. I went on to tell her that he was really into playing and watching sports, which didn’t interest me.
As the friendship progressed, I learned that Shane’s personality was more multifaceted than my first impressions, and despite the sport obsessions, he had all the qualities in a partner I was looking for.
Amanda says was so nervous about being found out at work that she changed the way she interacted with her partner. Source: SBS
More than friendship
We started seeing more of each other at social events outside of work.
When he gave me a very thoughtful and sentimental end-of-year gift, I began to suspect he cared about me in ways beyond friendship.
We connected romantically over the summer holidays and as the relationship developed, we became very close. Within our first year, we went on a trip to the US and started talking about buying a house together.
Keeping our romance a secret
However, I was really afraid of being 'found out' at work and our interactions went from friendly to standoffish or not communicating at all.
We both had reservations about telling colleagues about our relationship.
I was fearful that the staff would not see my feelings for Shane as genuine and that my actions would be judged as coming from a place of trying to manipulate to gain professional opportunities.
Amanda and Shane both had reservations about telling colleagues about their relationship. Source: SBS
Because of this, I felt the risk was higher for me in telling the staff than for Shane.
Having to be deceptive caused us huge discomfort. We told one friend we trusted, which offered us some respite.
Thankfully, when we did reveal our relationship to our bosses and staff, it was received in a supportive way which was a huge weight off my shoulders!
Revealing our romance
There was no formal protocol or guidance for us as we navigated this change, only the general Code of Conduct which was able to be applied to our situation. We no longer had to hide knowing smiles or texts to each other in the lunchroom and staff soon got used to the idea.
I moved schools a couple of years into our relationship to pursue a new opportunity. It was fantastic to be able to openly share some of my personal life with new work friends and to be able to speak about my life with my partner, without the complexities of people already knowing him or his work. I felt I had my own professional identity back and wasn’t seen as part of a couple at work.
Conversations and education around equality, intent, sexuality, consent, and power dynamics in relationships and work have changed a lot since I worried about the consequences of going public about my relationship.
I don’t think we are quite where we need to be in that regard, but I hope any person, despite their gender in today’s workforce can feel more comfortable than I did to come forward to their boss, when the time is right for them, without fear of unfair gender-based judgement.
Amanda and Shane have been together for 10 years. Source: SBS
We have loved each other through the death of grandparents, buying homes, travel, career ups and downs, my breast cancer treatment, sports injuries, planning a pandemic wedding, raising a puppy, yard renovations, new friends and interests and not one premiership flag for Carlton Football Club!
My advice to anyone thinking about acting on feelings for a colleague would be to get to know the person as much as you can first and consider the personal risks for you and the other person.
Try to predict potential complications within your workplace context and if you are up for living with those if they happen.
If I had my time again, I would tell my bosses and colleagues about my relationship sooner as it was more painful and uncomfortable for me to be deceptive with people I cared about at work than to make the relationship public.
