Watch Insight's episode The Dating Gamble — after 30 years of online dating, is it still a chance worth taking in the quest for love? On
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The Dating Gamble
episode • Insight • Current Affairs • 51m
episode • Insight • Current Affairs • 51m
After my marriage ended, I was feeling quite fragile but also certain I didn't want to be alone.
I had joined a number of Facebook singles groups and saw a lot of men saying 'There are no real girls on the apps', 'There’s no one to date' or 'It’s all a scam'.
Ignoring their warnings, I created a profile on a dating app. I tried to be honest about myself and my intentions.
Then I sat back and waited.
Naturally, it didn't always go well, but I knew from the start of my journey that I was willing to learn everything I could about women and find love regardless.
Being autistic, I found dating apps really suited me because — instead of meeting people organically, trying to flirt and read a person's intentions — I knew from the start of an app-facilitated interaction that I was talking to a person viewing me as a potential partner.
I was at the mercy of the algorithms
The first week was very depressing, I had no matches at all.
I suspect now the algorithms were watching me and gathering enough data to know who to show me to.
I used Bumble because, at the time, women had to make the first move and it felt like a safe space for them.
Before too long, I met someone who seemed to have a few things in common with me and expressed a desire to take things slowly, which suited me.
We started talking every night. I had about 20 or so other matches, of which about four kept messaging me despite my obvious lack of engagement.
I felt happy to have some sort of human connection again.
My online dating experience helped me find the one
Our first date took a few spontaneous turns.
I was making my way into town when I stumbled upon a women's rights rally. I joined it and asked my date to meet me there.
After the rally we went to a debate, followed by a musical event.
The connection between us was obvious and instant. We had strangers make comments about us that night, and still get that regularly.
We very much fell into each other and are still very much in love.
I knew straight away I wanted to break off contact with the other people I'd met on the apps. Before we knew it, we started living our lives together.
My advice for men seeking women
Through all of this, I was still in the Facebook groups. It took me a week to get organised to leave them.
At that time, I would see men posting things like "any ladies in my suburb want to meet?" and I would often reply, saying that this kind of language is not appealing to women.
I'd advise men looking for women that they should talk to them directly rather than put a call out based on geography.
I found that men would get very angry and defensive when I offered advice; they'd often say that I must have thought I was "God’s gift to women".
In my experience, a lot of men found it difficult to accept that another man would have insight into what women really wanted.
For me, being autistic certainly has its advantages when it comes to relationships.
Honesty is just one of them.
I'm able to compartmentalise, date one person and be completely focused on them.
I find it easy to be honest about who I am and therefore able to meet people on the same level as me. I don't feel any social obligations or pressures.
It seems to me that society has failed men, and not given them the tools they need to express themselves honestly and form real relationships.
The way they talk it seems clear to me they want a real, intimate relationship just as much as I do, but they are scared to express it and the only 'manly' way to express those emotions is to express a desire for sex.
I am probably lucky. I had no interest in anything but monogamy, I can't imagine intimacy with someone I barely know.
But either way, the thing I’ve tried to tell men in my circle is that if you show up authentically and honestly, and try to meet a person, not just find a body, online dating can be easy.
I would even suggest that the oversupply of men going about this very badly helped me to stand out and have the success that I did.
I believe that everyone deserves love, but many men who behave badly on the apps simply don't know how to express their desire for real love and connection.
In so many things, I have a lot of faith in younger people and I certainly hope they are growing up in ways that are more open to being real, being kind, and creating real relationships.
And for more stories head to , hosted by Kumi Taguchi. From sex and relationships to health, wealth, and grief Insightful offers deeper dives into the lives and first-person stories of former guests from the acclaimed TV show, Insight.
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