Key Points
- Pharrell, who was born a female, knew for years he didn’t align to the gender of his birth.
- He reveals how he learnt to accept himself, transition and do away with gender norms.
Insight speaks to people who don’t conform to traditional ideas about gender and explores why that makes some people confused and uncomfortable. Watch Tuesday, .
I, as the terminology would say, was assigned female at birth.
I, today, identity as a man.
I was born a female, and this wasn’t my choice. That much I am sure of.
As far back as I can remember, which would be the age of five, I knew, and I mean really knew, I wasn’t a female, that this is not me. I am not a girl and I will not become a woman, it can’t happen, I don’t want it to happen. I used to think: ‘why is this happening? Why can’t I change it?’ Every single day, this is all that would go through my five-year-old mind, to the ages of six, seven, eight, and nine. It never stopped!
I used to think: ‘I do not want to be here anymore’.
I didn't want to wake up anymore. I would go to bed crying, asking God to please bring my body back. I spent hours praying, and asking, wishing, hoping, and then being hopeful as I cried myself to sleep.
I would wake up and smile, hoping, only to be disappointed. Nothing had changed.
Pharrell began transitioning at age 18.
I was lost at the age of five.
My transition wasn’t the hardest part, it was having my approval in the hands of the doctors and therapists who would then decide what was right for me.
I was promised a lot from them, and not one promise was ever granted to me ... to be me.
Eventually, at the age of 18 I was given the green light to transition. But I felt doctors wanted me to be the good boy they approved of. A “real man”. So a real tough man I became.
I attempted suicide many times. I also severely self-harmed myself.
This was due to the degrading words those in the medical profession said to me. They are embedded into my mind. I was told for years I would never be a real man, never get married, never find love, never be accepted, I would always have to tell people I am transgender or else I would be lying to people.
So, if I wasn’t allowed to me be, live as me, then I didn't want to be me.
No amount of physical pain will ever compare to the emotional trauma I have gone through.
I always have this image, of the backyard of the home where we had a very big backyard. I see the cubby house, and I see me, this little girl, seven years old. She has short hair, so she’s just a tomboy. I see her, and I always see me as I am now. As I walk towards her, it becomes slower, like I am watching it in slow motion, and the slower I walk, the more I observe the little girl. I then stop walking, pause and smile.
She no longer had to worry as the man she was spending her whole life looking for was in front of her the whole time, and that man she has now become.
Pharrell initially got into boxing as a way to become more of a 'real man'.
To define what is, or isn’t a man, is to take away who we are as humans, our sole purpose of reason, because all we do is compare gender with individuality.
I am not a male. I was not born a male and I will never become a biological male. But I am a gentleman.
I will leave this earth the same as the life my mother gave me, imperfectly perfect.
Gender is only a term we are assigned at birth, it is not our identity, nor is it the purpose of our existence. We as humans are what we want to be.
Readers seeking crisis support can contact on 13 11 14, the on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25). More information and support with mental health is available at
and on 1300 22 4636.
