At a university in the Colombian capital Bogota, groups of young men are crowded around tables learning something they’ve never done before.
Fumbling their fingers through the long, synthetic hair of a mannequin, they’re learning to braid hair. Nearby, others are changing nappies on small baby dolls. The men seem a little out of their comfort zone.
Called the School of Care for Men, the lessons are part of a radical new government initiative to redefine what it means to be a man for Colombia’s next generation. The program has been introduced in male-dominated spaces such as companies, football stadiums, and prisons.
“It shows them new ways of expressing manhood, new ways of being a man, and expressing masculinities that are not toxic,” explains Henry Murrain, the man behind the idea.
The classes challenge the traditional gender roles by teaching men domestic and childcare tasks that are generally viewed as women's work. Credit: SBS Dateline
As a single dad to daughter Matilde and son Lorenzo, Henry isn't afraid of domestic work.
For him, cooking the family meal, for example, is a moment of connection with his children, an act of care largely ignored by men in Colombia.
“Eighty per cent of men in Bogotá, according to surveys, stated that they do not recognise their father with a positive emotion such as love,” he says.
“Most fathers are also not present, many times they are not even at home, leaving their children. So fathers who are present have a much more tender and loving relationship with their children.”
A path towards less abuse
Murrain believes that a society in which men spend more time with their children, where they recognise themselves as more caring and better partners, will be a less violent society.
In Colombia, a woman is sexually assaulted every 30 minutes. Every 15 hours, one woman is killed. Over the last two years, incidents have soared. Eight women were murdered on Mother’s Day this year. Three were confirmed femicides, a hate crime where a woman is intentionally murdered because she is female.
And Murrain is convinced that the rates of violence against women in Colombia are getting worse because of one key oversight.
“The reason is that we have left men aside. During all these years, we have been working only with women [victims]. We have to work with men.”
Raising his two children alone, Murrain says cooking is an act of care and an opportunity to connect that is largely ignored by most men in his country. Credit: SBS Dateline
The fight against machismo
A philosopher and public administrator, Murrain has long been interested in toxic masculinity, or as it’s known in Colombia, machismo.
Thirteen years ago, he spent time in the town of Barrancabermeja, in the north of the country, interviewing prison inmates who had killed their wives.
Then, in 2019, Bogota elected the city’s first female and first openly gay mayor, Claudia Lopez. Confronted by the city’s high rates of gender-based violence, her administration quickly identified machismo as one of the key drivers. They handpicked Murrain to figure out an ambitious new approach to tackling it.
“Machismo is behind all our misfortunes,” says Murrain.
An exaggerated masculine pride, machismo permeates nearly every facet of Colombian society: its homes, workplaces, streets and popular culture. It’s expressed in the country’s deeply engrained cultural expectations of men and women and its narratives and norms that put pressure on men and women to behave a certain way: from the belief that ‘men don’t cry’ or are ‘hyper-sexual’, to the belief that a wife is the ‘property’ of her husband.
“I remember in the school I was attending, there were fights after school almost every day. I was always shorter so they gave me a lot of beatings until my older brother told me: ‘You have to learn to defend yourself’. And I remember that when I started to win fights, I would go home crying. It was a horrible feeling,” he said.
“In Colombia, men, since they are children, are told that they should not express their emotions. When a boy expresses pain, doubt, sadness, or anguish, he is called a ‘girl’. ‘Don’t be a girl’”.
As a result, he says, men don’t learn how to manage or express their emotions in a healthy way and resort to violence.
“Many men, in front of pain, anxiety, insecurity, related to topics such as relationship breakups, love grief, don’t know how to respond but with violence,” Murrain says.
“Because violence is a masculine trait. Being violent is 'being a man'. It’s not that they can be violent, they have to be violent.”
A hotline for men
Part of Murrain’s sweeping anti-machismo strategy is a hotline for men called Linea Calma (literally, “calm line” in Spanish). The first of its kind, it is staffed by expert psychologists.
The idea first came to Murrain in 2008 after his interviews with inmates in Barrancabermeja revealed they had killed their wives in the middle of an emotional crisis and out of jealousy.
A helpline for men called Linea Calma provides free counselling to men going through a personal crisis or dealing with negative emotions. Credit: SBS Dateline
“[It’s why] in 56 per cent of occasions that a woman has been beaten in Bogota, she is beaten by a partner experiencing jealousy.”
Murrain started to think: what if men could talk to someone about their feelings at the right time before they turn aggressive?
Intended as a preventative tool, Linea Calma hopes to give men a non-judgemental and rational ear as an alternative to lashing out. A solution was also partly informed by Murrain’s own experience.
“I had wonderful teachers. I have very loving sisters, a very loving mother, and a very loving father. In critical moments, a good conversation manages to make big changes,” he says.
“What would happen if we all had that possibility? That is, to be listened to in time and to be allowed to understand what we are feeling and to find a way to solve this that does not affect our integrity or the integrity of others?”
In its first six months of operation, Línea Calma received 1,139 calls, and since opening, it now averages 700 phone calls a month. Murrain says callers are of all ages, occupations and socio-economic backgrounds.
A future without machismo
Murrain believes that a society in which men spend more time with their children, where they recognise themselves as more caring and better partners, will be a less violent society. Credit: SBS Dateline
But Murrain insists that working with men, alongside restoring women’s rights, is crucial if they are to accelerate social transformation.
“I dream of a Colombia where men feel proud of taking care of their family, for taking care of their kids, for listening, and maybe men who aren't afraid to cry and to consider that it's okay to show vulnerability, to show pain.”
“Ultimately, this should lead us to a society where we live without fear. That is my dream.”
