My mother phoned from Wollongong the other day complaining she was sick of "hearing about that silly, bloody, ridiculous" US election.
Apparently Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are getting plenty of air play in Australia.
"Don't worry Mum," I told her, "Americans are sick of it too".
What is frightening is the Trump v Clinton cage fight to the death is not the most bizarre part of this Tuesday's (Wednesday AEDT) election.
As a dual US-Australian citizen I have the displeasure of voting in both countries and, let me tell you, the ballot Californian voters are asked to fill out is longer than a copy of War and Peace and more absurd than Donald's tan or Hillary's laugh.
As well as voting for president, members of Congress, local government, water board supervisors and any other government job you can think of, Californians get to choose whether to force porn studs to wear condoms or if death row inmates should be killed quicker.
They are among 17 measures on the ballot.
To become law in California, each proposition needs more than 50 per cent of the vote.
Here's some notable ones:
LEGALISATION OF MARIJUANA
Yep, if this proposition is successful Snoop Dogg will likely be lighting up a big, fat, celebratory joint on Tuesday night and shares in companies selling munchies will skyrocket on Wall Street on Wednesday morning.
While California voters approved the use of marijuana for medical needs in 1996 a move to fully legalise it failed in 2010.
If successful this time marijuana and hemp will be legal under California law, but if you wish to suck on a bong while strolling Rodeo Drive you still could end up in handcuffs as smoking hooch will remain a federal offence.
STRICTER GUN LAWS
You think Donald's angry sniffles in the three debates were scary?
They are nothing compared to the snorts from gun lovin' Californians and the National Rifle Association about this one.
A guy came to fix my leaking dishwasher the other day, we started talking about this proposition ... an hour later my dishwasher wasn't fixed and I was looking at iPhone photos of his arsenal of weapons.
The prop calls for banning the sale and possession of large-capacity ammunition magazines, imposing background checks for buying ammo and stiffer penalties for some gun offences.
Dishwasher man is voting no.
CONDOMS FOR PORN STARS
If successful, porn stars (why are they all called stars?) legally must slip one on.
Surprisingly, in an era where Democrats and Republicans argue about everything they both oppose this one.
Yes, they're recommending their peep's vote against forcing adult movie performers to rubber up.
Why? Jobs.
No, you dirty people.
Not those kinds of jobs.
They fear porn producers will flee California and take employment with them.
DEATH ROW DEBATE
If you're sentenced to death in California there's a good chance you'll die of old age behind bars or from a shiv in the yard rather than an executioner's needle.
Californians have not one, but two, death penalty props to vote on.
One is to get rid of the death penalty and replace it with sentences of life without parole.
The other prop seeks to speed up the death penalty's meandering legal process.
You know, kind of like a speedy drive-thru execution ... without fries and Coke.
BAN AUSSIE MEDIA FROM COVERING US ELECTION
Only joking.
Just wanted to mess with my mum.
