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'My parents rejected me for being gay'
Gay rights have come a long way in Australia, but some migrants say due to their cultural backgrounds they are continuing to face painful rejection within their own families.
Published 5 March 2022 9:48am
By Akash Arora
Source: SBS News
This article contains references to suicide.
On the outside, Girish (not his real name) is buzzing.
A colourful sari, laced with golden threads, has just arrived in Sydney from India.
“I’m dressing up as a Bollywood bride for Mardi Gras on Saturday. Now all I need to book is a makeup artist,” he says excitedly.
On the inside, though, it’s a different story.
Girish, who is in his 30s, has been disowned by his parents.
“As a result of me being queer, my family has decided to ostracise me. My parents have disowned me and have cut off all communication with me,” he says.
Girish, an Australian citizen, was born in India, where his parents still live.
He attended a school where he learnt the classical Indian dance form Kuchipudi, but his parents would later withdraw him.
“They said my walk was getting too effeminate,” he says.
As a result of me being queer ... my parents have disowned me and have cut off all communication with me.Girish
Girish says he has been trying to tell his parents he is gay since he was a teenager.
“I have been trying to come out to them or get them to acknowledge the fact … And every time it was met with studied ignorance – an active non-listening on their part.
“Perhaps, their assumption was that it’s just a phase, this too shall pass and I will eventually grow out of it.”
But Girish didn’t grow out of it and after years of disjointed communication with his parents, one morning last year, something snapped.
As Sydney was going into another COVID-19 lockdown, Girish tried to call his parents to check in on them and realised they had “blocked” him.
“They had blocked me across a range of social media and on phone. I was in tears,” he says.
Culture clashes
Gay rights in India have come a long way in recent times. A landmark decision in 2018 saw the country's supreme court decriminalise homosexuality, striking down a 160-year-old Colonial-era rule that banned sex “against the order of nature”.
Colourful marches and celebrations erupted in many parts of the country when the judgement was announced following 24 years of legal challenges.
But Alan Maurice, the co-founder of , a social support group for South Asian LGBTIQ+ people in Australia, says while the laws in India have become more accepting, society has a long way to go.
Alan Maurice, the co-founder of Trikone Australia, says while the laws in India have become more accepting, society has a long way to go.
“I have talked to a number of men and women, as well as transgender folks, and it’s terrible what they go through.
Mr Maurice, who was born in India and also says he experienced parental rejection for being gay, says: “One of the key reasons for parental rejection is the influence of society; 'What will people think?' And that’s a very selfish parental thing.”
Girish believes that is the case with his parents.
“What triggered it had nothing to do with me. There was a family fight among relatives in India where [me being gay] was referred to in uncharitable terms,” he says.
“I would be a blot on the family reputation and they didn’t want that sort of a blemish to be associated with them.
“They wanted to align themselves with the wider family. It had nothing to do with their love or lack thereof for me. It had everything to do with saving the family’s name.”
Anxiety is the most common concern clinical psychologist Dr Nasreen Yasin comes across in her work.
Of those who are of South Asian descent, she says almost all of them have experienced some form of parental rejection.
“Almost each and every client who I have worked with has reported family conflict based on their sexuality and rejection of such.
“Not everyone’s circumstances are as bad, but most people I see have been adversely affected by parental rejection to a certain degree.”
Almost each and every client has reported family conflict based on their sexuality.Dr Nasreen Yasin, Psychologist
Girish has been experiencing anxiety attacks as a result of his situation.
“Once you sort of lose the bedrock that is called a parental relationship, you feel very unmoored and very unsure,” he says.
“You may have a great life, a great job, but you feel like a part of your core, your identity has been destabilised in some senses.”
Dr Yasin says anxiety is one of the most prevalent symptoms among people who experience parental rejection.
“The first thing that comes up is anxiety – that’s a big, predominant presentation in my work. And mainly social anxiety.
“And if you [delve] a little deeper into it, it comes with a sense of rejection, the fear of rejection and a sense of isolation.”
‘Accepting I won’t be accepted’
For some in the LGBTIQ+ community in Australia, the issue of parental rejection is not only one that impacts those whose parents remain overseas.
Dilasha was born in Sydney to Fijian and Indian parents who still live in the city.
The 23-year-old said she was the apple of their eyes as a child and always thought they were quite progressive.
“I can’t generalise for the entire cultural community, but from people around me, I would say there is a difference between the way girls are treated and boys are treated. And I felt like I didn’t experience that,” she says.
“I was not told 'you can’t do certain things because you’re a girl'.”
Sydney-based Dilasha.
“I wanted to present myself in ways that are not culturally acceptable. I wanted to cut my hair. I wanted to dress in ways I felt comfortable and that was very challenging for my family to accept,” she says.
“When I got into a relationship [with another woman] … that was another bridge of conflict.
“I think it was because of the way women are perceived in my community, where they’re not to be sexualised, they’re not to do anything that can cause shame on the family reputation.”
I think because of the way women are perceived in my community ... they’re not to do anything that can cause shame on the family reputation.Dilasha
Dilasha is now publicly out and remains very close to her two siblings. She still has a relationship with her parents but says it is “complicated”.
She doesn’t want to go out of her way to upset them.
“There are times I wish I could change myself, but I know thinking that is a disservice to myself [because] I have worked very hard to accept who I am.”
“So I am coming to terms with accepting that I won’t be accepted.”
The hurt never really stops, though, she says, adding it’s particularly painful when she sees parents of other LGBTIQ+ people accepting their children.
“Sometimes I find it very frustrating when I see my peers and their parents are so accepting of them. I won’t lie, I do envy that.”
Dilasha’s parents declined to comment to SBS News.
Critical consequences
Trikone Australia organises a range of events for South Asian LGBTIQ+ people facing parental rejection and will have a float at this year’s Sydney Mardi Gras parade.
Mr Maurice says those who are struggling can often turn to bad habits without the right support.
“We grew up in societies that are very family-oriented. So when suddenly you find out that these people are either not there for you or rejecting who you are and what you stand for, it’s huge.
“There’s a sense of rejection, their self worth drops and it takes a lot to lift that up.
“The bit that worries me is the period in which this happens, it can be quite a dangerous period for some. They can turn to drugs, they can turn to self-harm.”
Participants of Trikone Australia's Mardi Gras float in 2021. Credit: Facebook.com/TrikoneAustralia / Jim Barker
Sociologist Tiffany Jones is the director of Research and Innovation at the Macquarie School of Education. She has been conducting studies on LGBTIQ+ issues for 20 years and says parental rejection has a direct impact on high rates of self-harm and suicide within the community.
“What we’re finding is if a young person is rejected after they’ve come out to their father, mother, brother or sister, they’re much more likely to engage in self-harm or suicide attempts,” she says.
“And this is particularly the case in culturally and language diverse households and religious households.”
, which surveyed more than 6,000 LGBTIQ+ people aged 14 to 21, just over half of those from a multicultural background (53 per cent) said they were supported by family for their identity disclosure.
“This was lowest for Chinese and South-East Asian youth, where family support was under 30 per cent overall,” Professor Jones says.
“And that’s a conservative picture of the lack of support they’re getting because almost half of Chinese and South-East Asian participants had not disclosed their sexuality or gender identity to their family.”
Where to get support
Mr Maurice says there are several support networks available in Australia and anyone struggling with parental rejection should reach out for help.
“You’ve really got to look after your own self-care and your mental health. Australia has a number of really good networks like and . They have very good systems in place to help and support people.”
Both Girish and Dilasha have received professional mental health advice that they say has helped them.
“I have been seeing a therapist and, in fact, that’s gotten me to where I am right now, in a much better space,” Girish says.
“Understanding that self-worth or self-love needn’t be directed or channelised through other people’s validation, be it parents or community, is something very easy to understand but quite hard to implement ... Therapy certainly, certainly helps with that.”
A participants of Trikone Australia's Mardi Gras float in 2021. Credit: Facebook.com/TrikoneAustralia / Jim Barker
This year, he says, he will travel to India “in the hope of trying to effect reconciliation with my parents".
“It’s quite easy to solidify monsters in your mind of people who you haven’t seen face to face thanks to the pandemic and the lockdowns.
“I’m hoping it’ll show them I’m still their son.
“And if it doesn’t, I will have had the satisfaction of knowing that at least I have tried from my end to make them see reason.”
Until then, he says he has something more pressing to attend to ahead of the Mardi Gras parade.
“The forecast for Saturday is that it’ll be raining and I don’t want my makeup to wash away. So I really need to find the right makeup artist.”
Girish is known to the author of this article. The author was previously on the board of Trikone Australia.
Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25). can be reached through online chat or on 1800 184 527. More information and support with mental health is available at and on 1300 22 4636.
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