Hillary (not her real name) was shocked when she unexpectedly lost her dream job.
She was a classical musician, working in a small orchestra, and had the opportunity to study overseas after winning a prestigious award.
Hillary returned to Australia eager to apply her new skills and learning, but instead received a phone call from her boss who said she no longer had a job. She said she felt completely blindsided.
"I just felt really puzzled at first because I hadn't seen it coming at all," she said. "And then I was just really devastated because I had all this information and learning, and then I had no outlet for it at all."
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Grief can take many forms in our lives, but it is not always validated
SBS News
25/12/202315:33
Hillary had spent her whole life playing the violin and said she felt hopeless when she heard the news.
"I had completely lost any external way of expressing the skills I had spent a lifetime of building up," she said.
"I felt really lost and at sea for a long time; I was just flabbergasted I guess."
Hillary returned from an overseas trip eager to apply her new skills and learning, but instead received a phone call from her boss who told her she no longer had a job. Credit: SBS
These misunderstood types of grief are referred to as disenfranchised grief.
I really felt very lost and at sea for a long time; I was just flabbergasted I guess.Hillary
What is disenfranchised grief?
One of the hardest aspects of Hillary's loss was the lack of acknowledgement for her grief.
Griefline counsellor Abi Catchlove uses the term disenfranchised grief to describe various unspoken losses, which can include such things as an abortion, miscarriage, loss of ability due to health conditions, or even the loss of a pet.
"Disenfranchised grief is a grief that’s not openly or publicly acknowledged," Catchlove said. "It might be confusing as to why we have such big emotions over it, but it's valid."
"All of these losses are very valid, and it speaks to the disenfranchisement of almost not being allowed to feel it."
Griefline counsellor Abi Catchlove uses the term disenfranchised grief to describe various types of unspoken losses. Credit: SBS
"Everybody else around me was like, 'Oh well just go and get another job, why don't you train for something else?'" she said. "That was hard, maybe it was like the equivalent of saying, 'Your spouse died, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea'."
Catchlove explains how disenfranchised grief adds another layer of complexity to the grief experience because there is a lack of language around the loss.
"As with a lot of grief, navigating other people's response and reactions to loss can be really confusing and isolating," she said. "Without having experienced it firsthand, it can be difficult for people to really understand the nuance of this grief."
The link between relationship loss and grief
A relationship breakdown is another form of disenfranchised grief.
Sam was suddenly blocked on social media by one of her best friends without any explanation, three months after the friend was a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Sam and her new husband had visited her friend in Melbourne, and Sam expressed some disappointment to her that when they went out to dinner she had invited a group of her local friends as well.
"It was pretty disappointing that she seemed to prioritise people that she saw all the time over us who travelled interstate to see her," Sam said.
But Sam didn’t expect that the next time she went to message her friend she would discover she’d been blocked on many social media platforms.
"I think not really knowing why [is the hardest part]," she said. "Did she decide that the friendship had run its course? Was it something I did? Did I offend or upset her?"
"I guess for her there was a sense of finality, she blocked me, she'd made that decision, she got to end it on her terms. And I was just left there, dealing with the fallout on my own."
How unexpected loss impacts grief
Relationship counsellor and manager at Relationships Australia, Fiona Bennett, said the grief is often exacerbated where there is uncertainty and confusion around the loss.
"Understanding and accepting the loss is really quite a fundamental part of that grief process," she said. "And when we can't understand it, it makes it harder to accept."
"We almost get stuck at that point and then it's hard to go through the rest of the emotions that can help it settle."
Rituals can be an important part of the grief process following unexpected losses, Bennett explained.
"You know, some people burn things, they clear out and throw things away," she said.
"I think whatever feels respectful for your own feelings and isn’t hurtful for the other, that helps you come to terms with the loss, is important."
Sam found her own unconventional way to deal with the loss – painting over her friend’s canvas from her hens' party paint and sip event.
"I'm just trashing the canvas at the moment which has been a little bit therapeutic," Sam said. "Any time I feel like picking up a brush I can go and add something, it's like symbolically burying that part of my life now."
Learn more about other types of loss, and grief across different cultural contexts, by listening to the podcast.
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