Abbie O'Brien reports from Christchurch, New Zealand
Nazril Omar describes his return to Al Noor mosque as the "most courageous" thing he's ever done.
It's the place he was shot four times and where he witnessed the deaths of dozens of his fellow worshipers.
"I can remember it very clearly, I can still see the blood, the flesh, and the person that was lying on the floor," he tells SBS News.
Nazril Omar was shot four times inside the Al Noor mosque. He is pictured with his wife Zarina. Source: Abbie O'Brien/SBS News
On 15 March, during Friday prayers, the Christchurch mosque resembled a war-zone after it was stormed by a gunman who shot dead 42 people, before moving on to the Linwood Islamic Centre where he killed another seven.
Nazril, 46, says six months on, he is still haunted by the memories of that day.
"Even when I go to Al Noor now, I can see things. Blood is everywhere ... I was touching a pool of blood and the blood is warm. I can still feel it on my hands, even after six months."
The blood is warm. I can still feel it on my hands, even after six months. - Nazril Omar, Survivor
Yet each week, he returns for Friday prayers, determined not to let hate win.
"I needed a lot of courage," he says.
Nazril is visited by All Blacks rugby star Sonny Bill Williams while recovering in hospital. Source: Getty Images
The father of four had only moved to Christchurch from Malaysia in January, seeking a better life for his family.
Two months later, he was shot three times in the back and once in the foot.
His injuries hampered his ability to do even the most basic of tasks.
"I have to learn from scratch how to take a shower, how to go to the toilet, how to dress myself. It has to be all from the beginning," he says as his wife Zarina, sitting beside him, clutches his hand.
"The hardest thing is when I feel that I am incapable to be a dad and a husband. I feel hopeless sometimes."
Zarina helps Nazril get dressed. Source: SBS News
Though his physical scars are healing, Nazril's mental scars remain.
"At night it will come back, without conscience, I will start talking, I will start screaming and sometimes I feel like I want to run because the dreams are real.
"And then I get up, and I am sweating and my heart beats very fast."
'I was sinking in the trauma'
Indian-born Mazharuddin Syed Ahmed was praying at the second mosque when it came under siege.
He watched seven people die that day.
"It feels like it happened yesterday, it just happened yesterday. It’s so fresh," he whispers.
Mazharuddin Syed Ahmed survived the shooting at the second mosque. Source: SBS News
Stored in his phone are photos of the friends he lost at both sites.
"These are all people, one after the other," he says as he scrolls through the many faces.
"I will get up in the middle of the night sometimes, and suddenly I would just sit up and start to think about all of them."
I will get up in the middle of the night sometimes, and start to think about all of them. - Mazharuddin Syed Ahmed, Survivor
Mazharuddin says in the weeks after their deaths, he found himself trying to reach out to them.
"Initially I was calling them, like dialling their numbers from my phone," he says.
"Then I'd really pause and look around and sit for many, many minutes.
"I was sinking in the trauma."
Mazharuddin, back right, is comforted by a fellow worshipper at the Linwood Islamic Centre in April. Source: Getty Images
In the days after the attack, the father of two volunteered to be part of the traditional burial team.
The week-long job involved cleaning the bodies of the dozens of deceased ahead of their funerals.
"I don’t know how God gave me the courage. I was part of the washing. I had to do a lot of stitching there of the wounds, and bleeding, still, people bleeding, even after they were dead.
Asked how difficult that was, Mazharuddin breaks down.
"Those seven days."
Mazharuddin says he struggled to accept the death of his friends. Source: SBS News
He takes a long paus, and buries his head in his hand.
Finally, he looks up, his eyes glassy and swollen.
"They were very tough. They were very tough."
Hope among the darkness
Like so many others in his community, Mazharuddin continues to pray at Christchurch's mosques.
"It really gives me strength back again because that’s where those people lost their lives there, and they brought back five million hearts to open, to say that 'no, this is just pure hatred'."
He says the overwhelming support of the New Zealand population in the wake of the attacks gave the community the courage to move forward.
Mazharuddin speaks with Imam Alabi Lateef Zirullah at the Linwood Islamic Centre in April. Source: Getty Images
"That was so amazing, really. Otherwise, many of us would have lived with this trauma for the rest of our lives. I’m telling you, it has changed people’s heart over here."
"Many of the people, you see, they are refugees who died, who came here to avoid our situations back home.
"For that day we felt like we hit a wall: 'Here too?' We left our families, we left everything, put everything at stake to find peace in this country and that incident shook all of that belief."
Nazril outside the Al Noor mosque, six months since the attack. Source: SBS News
But, he says, his faith was quickly restored.
"We don’t fear anything, we don’t fear any hatred. In fact, we feel more at home, more secure, more at peace because we know now the whole of New Zealand stood by us."
A country united
Nazril says he initially contemplated moving back to his homeland.
"At first I am afraid. I told my wife, 'I want to go back to Malaysia because this is a hate crime'."
Nazril returns to the mosque every Friday. Source: SBS News
"But ... the support from the community is very overwhelming, people hugging each other, they say they are sorry this thing happened to us. We are one of them."
"This is still the correct county to raise my kids."
Mazharuddin says before the mosque attacks, many Muslims in Christchurch were weary about practising their relgion in public.
"I would be shy in wearing my traditional Muslim attire, and when I got to Friday prayers, or even asking for Halal food … you feel like ... 'is it appropriate to ask?'"
But, he says, 15 March changed all of that.
"Now we know how people feel about us. There are some amazing hearts here in New Zealand."
If you are struggling with mental health, contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. GriefLine can be contacted on 1300 845 745.
