When Luciana Wright’s first-born was 13, he told Ms Wright that he wanted to transition from female to male. Luciana says she was shocked and felt that she had failed as a mother.
“I wondered what had led [my child] to such a drastic and desperate decision. I wanted to convince myself that it was just a phase and that I would be able to convince him to go back,” says the 52-year-old Gold Coast mother.
Now, at the age of 16, Jakob is seen as a hero at his school, where he is admired for his courage. His friends at school were the first to support his decision, even before his family came to grips with his gender identity.
“[His friends] even helped him choose this name. Everyone had already welcomed Jakob long before I relaxed and accepted the situation. I once told my youngest son that I was concerned about how Jakob might suffer from prejudices, and he said to me ‘Mom, Jakob is a hero at school. People refer to him as the boy who had the courage to be who he is,” says Ms Wright.
‘The strength of love.’
She says she studied the subject on the internet, and Jakob himself shared a series of resources with her for more awareness about the process.
“Today I feel bad for making him feel inappropriate, wrong; like someone who needed to be fixed… I remember that I talked to him questioning the choice he was making, until one day he taught me that being a man was not a choice, it was who he really was and that there was no place for me or anyone to question that identity,” she tells SBS Portuguese.
Initially, I tried to do everything I could to protect him from suffering. But then I understood that suffering is inherent in life, as well as pleasure and happiness, and I came to the conclusion that even if he were not trans, he could experience pain in life. I decided to have an honest chat with him about what I was afraid of and also about the doubts and curiosities I had about the gender transition.
This brought the pivotal moment for Ms Wright’s relationship with Jakob.
“I decided that I would be his safe haven, and he would be mine. I demonstrated that I had confidence in the process and that I believed he was capable of making his own choices.”
She says the new-found trust in their relationship made it stronger.
“Showing a child that we trust him generates tremendous empowerment, the child matures and begins to take care of people in return. Today we are mutually protected by the strength of our love,” says Ms Wright.
I decided to forgive myself and ask him for forgiveness for my mistakes and my lack of acceptance at the beginning of the transition process. I decided to show my deep admiration for him having the courage to be who he really is. And also my deep gratitude for him having taught me so many things.
While Jakob’s family, including his father, younger brother and Brazilian and Australian grandparents were very supportive, the process wasn’t without social challenges.
“Many friends of mine were very uncomfortable and walked away from us. It was a period when I felt very lonely and excluded from my social group.
“Some were embarrassed because they would accidentally use feminine pronouns and his birth name from time to time. But those who stayed by my side made the decision to change with us, to learn to adapt the vocabulary, to forgive themselves for calling him by his old name.”
Dealing with moral dilemmas
Being a mother of a transgender child, Ms Wright, at times found herself in difficult moral dilemmas, with only her instinct to guide her.
“In the beginning, Jakob had to do a little extra work to be taken in by the boys' groups, and I was scared to death when he slept at the house of his boyfriends with other boys. I wanted to tell the parents that Jakob was actually a girl,” she says.
But she didn’t, out of the fear of sabotaging her son's mission of being seen as a man.
“But I confess that I was concerned that he could be putting himself in a vulnerable position.”
She faced a similar dilemma while meeting the parents of Jakob’s girlfriend while she wasn’t sure whether they knew about Jakob’s gender transition.
“I felt that I was betraying the trust of that mother who was there with me having dinner, having a wine, welcoming me into her family. But at the same time, I knew that her daughter was with my son, who is an incredible, respectful, and loving person,” she says.
Ms Wright says embracing Jakob’s truth has been very liberating for her. She is penning down her experiences in a book to share it with other parents. She says the existing literature and the media can often take a very limiting approach to such stories.
“The media and general interests are very focused on the individual who transits, and this is a very suffocating and limiting approach for those who are around that individual because [gender] transition is much bigger than that.
“They all change together: the trans person, mother, siblings, family, friends, school, etc. We have to understand that a trans individual is a courageous person who deserves all our support to live their truth. And this truth is expressed in such a powerful way that it is able to modify the truth of those around you.”
