Key Points
- There are many unwritten rules for what is deemed polite, appropriate, or rude.
- Differences in etiquette may pose as a barrier to migrants trying to break into a social or professional circle.
- Some migrants admit they have learned ‘the hard way’ about what is offensive in Australia.
Etiquette is typically defined as the customary code of what is considered polite behaviour and good manners in a particular society, culture, or among members of a certain social or professional circle.
Amanda King is the founder of the Australian Finishing School. She teaches people of all cultural backgrounds what constitutes the norms of etiquette and acceptable conduct in the Australian context.
“Etiquette is around behaviour and the norms that are expected in society,” she explains.
“To have good etiquette is purely down to quite a few very simple principles, and that might be around our appearance and general attitude, which constitutes that image.”
However, Ms King says in Australia, etiquette depends on your specific environment and circumstances.
“We are demographically and culturally a bit of everything from around the world. So, we have English as a base, but culturally we also include the European and Americanisms, so we are one on our own, but we're also part of the world,” she adds.
Ms King believes it’s crucial for migrants to learn and follow the accepted, albeit sometimes unwritten protocols, to break into certain professional or social circles. She explains that the ‘basic ABCs’ of etiquette include appearance, behaviour, dining manners and communication.
Communication is the real key one — how to be a skilful conversationalist. At the end of the day, that's quite difficult when English may not be your first language.Amanda King, etiquette expert and instructor
Asking prying questions could land people into uncomfortable territory. Credit: Getty Images/NicolasMcComber
The biggest no-nos: Invasive personal questions
One of the most important unwritten rules of what is considered ‘good manners’ in Australia, include avoiding asking questions that are considered inappropriate or taboo, as they might make others feel uncomfortable.
These questions include asking information related to marital status, finances, religion, and politics, among other topics.
“People want to speak to people to find common ground, so they can connect. So, we need to talk about other topics rather than a very personal question that might come across as quite offensive,” Ms King explains.
However, every culture has a different standard of what is considered appropriate. Some long-term migrants admit they have learned ‘the hard way’ that questions that were culturally acceptable to ask in their countries of origin or cultural contexts, were considered offensive in Australia.
Winmas Yu is originally from Hong Kong and has lived in Australia for ten years. He says in China, it is not unusual for people to comment of others’ bodies.
“We have parents or grandparents telling us, ‘OK, you should eat more’, or ‘you should eat less because you look fat, or you look thin.’ But when I arrived in Australia, I realised that some people might take that very personally or offensively, so they don't really like you commenting on their body shape or even how much they eat.”
Knowing the rules of etiquette can help avoid feeling awkward at gatherings. Credit: Getty Images/CatLane
She adds, it is acceptable to ask people you’ve just met about their marital status, if they have children or not, and why.
“If a couple gets married for more than 9 months and the baby's not there, people ask … ‘why?’ ‘Is there a problem?’ … and I think this is so inappropriate here,” Sarah says as she bursts out in laughter.
“They even ask who her doctor is, or [suggest] she should change her doctor!”
The importance of etiquette when job hunting
Not knowing the unspoken rules of etiquette may also present barriers for migrants in the workplace, or when job hunting.
Fabiola Campbell has been in Australia for 18 years. Originally from Venezuela, she founded Professional Migrant Women in 2019.
“The purpose of the organisation was to close the gap between migration and professional employment for women, with the understanding that there were many professional women unemployed or underemployed. These women did not lack skills or experience, what they lacked was an understanding of how the recruitment process worked here in Australia.”
Networking etiquette is crucial when job hunting or in the professional workplace. Credit: Getty Images/Kosamtu
“They learn how to sell themselves, identify their value, but also develop a narrative that is consistent with the way jobs are found here in Australia.”
This too falls under the wide umbrella of etiquette. Ms Campbell believes cultural differences can become a pitfall for migrant professionals, as networking and etiquette are about building good relationships.
There are certain things you learn the hard way. Some people, maybe because of their culture, they want to be seen as taking the initiative, but can come across as being a bit pushy.Fabiola Campbell, Founder of Migrant Professional Women
Ms Campbell explains that a good strategy when networking is to not encroach on other people, and to respectfully ask for their consent to connect professionally beforehand. Also, let them speak first when you meet.
“Give them an opportunity to tell their story and for you to learn from them. Maybe you can ask, ‘how did you get your first job? How did you come to work in this industry?’ Try to make the conversation enjoyable for the other person, but that also you can learn from.”
Among Ms Campbell’s top tips to avoid causing offence is to use polite phrases like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ regularly. However, don’t say these words repeatedly, as that could be too much, or ‘over the top’.
In some cultures, constantly apologising or saying 'thank you' are signs of polite behaviour. In Australia however, these phrases should be used frequently, but not repeatedly. Credit: Getty Images/RRice1981
She adds you can learn the subtleties of the English language and the preferred styles of communication in Australia, by asking for feedback.
I ask people if they feel offended or they feel uncomfortable, that they provide me feedback. In that way, I can improve my communication and still deliver the intended message.
Etiquette instructor Amanda King advises that in social or professional situations it is very important to be on time. If you are running late for a gathering or a meeting, let your host know at least 15-20 minutes beforehand. Also, make sure you introduce yourself clearly and confidently to others, and maintain eye contact.
Ms Campbell also wants migrants to feel at ease, as many have experience dealing with people from different cultural and linguistic backgrounds.
“Most people in Australia have contact with migrants and especially migrants with English as a second language. They might understand that some people don't mean it, but they might not have the language skills to communicate things the proper way”, Ms Campbell concludes.
