Nine years of conflict in Syria have taken an immeasurable toll on the country's population.
For many Syrian women, in particular, the war has brought with it a heavy burden of responsibility to be the backbone keeping families together and functioning. While their husbands and sons fight, women are expected to continue running their households.
“In one second, a bomb or a rocket takes the soul of your beloved ones while you are still standing and thinking, should I stay for my country, my people and my memories, or should I leave for my kids?" mother of three Rahaf Al-Rifai says.
A by aid agency CARE Australia suggested that nine years of war have taken a "significant toll" on Syrian women, but despite difficult circumstances, many found greater independence amidst the turmoil.
Rahaf arrived in Australia in 2016 as a refugee and now lives in Sydney.
She hails from Aleppo, in north-western Syria. To this day, she struggles to comprehend what happened to her beloved city.
"I feel that it was not real, it was a nightmare, something inside me refuses to believe this thing has happened to us, to our country, to our people, to our streets.“
Rafah and her husband were lecturers in the Faculty of Engineering at the University of Aleppo.
Large parts of Aleppo have been destroyed and thousands have been displaced during the conflict. Source: AAP
They belonged to a social class that could be considered upper-middle class.
Her family had financial and social security.
"We had a very comfortable life and we could build our dreams. We used to put a goal for ourselves and achieve it after a while. Our dreams were dreams, but they could be fulfilled."
This safe world suddenly filled with darkness.
It was 2011 when Syrians started to hear rumours about the oncoming war, but they refused to believe it at the time.
“You start hearing news on the radio but you live in denial and refuse to believe it is going to happen.
"We thought it was going to be a matter of weeks.
"The weeks turned into months and you suddenly discover that the nightmare is real. And overnight, all the dreams and the future that you were building turned into sand.”
Rahaf was faced with the dilemma of either staying in the country she loved and where she built all her memories or fleeing to secure a future for her children.
Varteny Khoudesian is also from Aleppo, where she lived for the first five years of the conflict.
Just like Rahaf, before March 15, 2011, she was dreaming of a bright future which she was building while studying at the local university.
At the time, she didn’t know that the next five years would take a heavy toll on her and her family.
“The war took away the most beautiful years of my life, it took everything, it took the soul of my closest friend.”
Varteny Khoudesian and Rahaf Al-Rifai both hail from Aleppo. Source: Supplied
The role they played during the war
Varteny says despite all the pain she was living through, she was able to be a decisive pillar of support for her father and her brother.
“I didn’t show them my sadness and my pain. I didn’t complain in front of them. I just wanted to give them hope and I succeeded.”
As a lecturer at Aleppo University, Rahaf praises her female colleagues for their efforts in "absorbing" the hatred that many of the university students expressed during the time.
“These women and teachers played a great role in absorbing those young people’s anger and enthusiasm and in trying to channel those emotions in the right way," she says.
"[It was] a way that pushes us to be stronger so that we could overcome the plight we were living in.”
It would be natural to suggest that nothing positive can originate from armed conflict, however, Rahaf embraced a more nuanced point of view.
“For a moment you think that the whole war is destruction and sorrow, it is a bad experience that no one would wish to experience.
"But when I thought about it from another perspective, I saw that a new Rahaf was ‘born’ after the war.
“I discovered a new person who is very strong, who is able to learn and adapt to all circumstances. You start to respect yourself more despite all that you’ve been through.”
While Rahaf does not refrain from describing the most dramatic aspects of the war, Varteny avoids discussing the details of her experiences.
But she makes clear that she doesn’t want to forget what happened to her.
“I don’t want to forget what I have been through because this will let me forget the person I have become. I will always remember how the war strengthened me and how I managed to emerge as a positive person. The war tried to plant the seeds of hatred in me but it failed because I am a better person now.”
How the war is making women stronger
“With their husbands absent many Syrian women are getting jobs outside the house for the first time in their lives, they told us this made them more confident because they realised they didn’t have to rely on men for everything,” CARE Australia spokesperson Roslyn Dundas says.
Although many women emerged from the conflict stronger and more independent, Ms Dundas says it does not mean they do not need assistance and support in countries where they have taken refuge, including Australia.
“No matter what women hope to do in the future, whether its have a job or focus on their home and kids, we need to reinforce their right to make those decisions about their own lives,” she says.
However, this task is not an easy path and it may take years, Rahaf believes.
“I cannot lie and say that when I arrived in 2016 I fell in love with Australia. It took me a whole year during which I used to look at the places around me thinking that this could not be my country. I was physically here but emotionally still in Syria with my family and friends and I used to pray every day, ‘please God make me love the country of my children’.”
She now considers Australia as home and describes it as a “mother who gives without asking anything in return”.
And from her new home, Varteny talks about lessons learned over the past nine years.
“I learned that nothing can destroy me, because if I was able to ‘conquer the war’ I can conquer anything.”
