My name is Evan Valletta and I make chocoholics look like casual snackers.
I’m most probably plagued by this delicious affliction because my mother locked up all foodstuffs containing chocolate in an antique cabinet, lending the substance an innate air of mystique, and turning my childhood into a continual search for the cabinet key’s latest hiding spot.
Fear not. This isn’t an article about one of my many behavioural issues. And this ain’t no health-conscious, gastronomically progressive, anti-chocolate screed. We’re here today not to lambast the universe’s most delectable indulgence, but to celebrate it - and more specifically, the multitude of ways one can choose to consume it. Each of these methods has its time, place, and a special home in my heart.
Rapid-fire
If your white/milk/dark stash is plentiful and it’s been more than seven minutes since your last fix, then it’s perfectly acceptable to shove entire block-rows or full bars into your mouth, as if your Tinder date had commented on your questionable breath and handed you a Fisherman’s Friend. Sure, you’re sacrificing the ability to relish the taste and texture of the chocolate, but enough of the stuff should become lodged in and between your teeth that you can spend the next little while playing tonsil-hockey with your mouth.
The slow suck
Draw a nice hot bath. Fill it with bubbles, not unlike those you’d find living inside an Aero bar. Grab a match, light a mint chocolate-scented candle, whack on your favourite Chocolate Starfish compilation, and ready a single serving of your favourite block or bar on a cute little plate on the bath’s rim. Once you’re sufficiently lulled, slip that perfect portion of chocolate onto your tongue, and suck. Suck slowly, suck softly, suck well, and you’ll find that your mouth will remain coated with the sweet stuff for the entire length of your bathing experience. Let it slowly drizzle down towards your gullet...
The second chance draw
Almost identical to the slow suck, but instead of savouring the layer of melted chocolate enveloping all nooks of your mouth and letting it gradually enter your throat, keep a crisp glass of filtered water somewhere handy. Once you've devoured your chocolate, wash that remaining thin layer of choc away like it were the sands of time. It might be a little controversial for some, but others find that palate cleanse just as satisfying as eating the chocolate itself.
Minor surgery
We now turn our attention towards those varieties of chocolate that aren’t merely gloriously dense slabs of the pure stuff. Now it's the turn of the choccies that contain within them some kind of filling or centre. As a chocolate enthusiast, I choose to approach these particular delights in two parts. First, suck the chocolate encasement free, until all that remains is the delicate wafer, or wobble of jelly, or nugget of honeycomb, then get stuck into the centre. It's like a two-course meal crammed into a single morsel.
The molecular nibble
Usually reserved for those with depleted chocolate rations, the molecular nibble requires dedication and patience. Starting from one corner, the eater takes minuscule bites and treats each as if its an overpowering mouthful. If you’re a real pro at this process, then you’re able to make a fun-sized Bounty last longer than the film Magnolia. Once again, this method of consuming chocolate requires an alteration of perspective, or you won’t last past the opening credits.
Choc investigation
Similarly, some folk like to crack open their desired serving of chocolate to admire the aesthetics of its centre. This is a method often reserved for fillings of the gooey variety. Tempting as it is to immediately lick the caramel or the cream centre, it’s not imperative. You can enjoy the bite as you normally would, except with the added benefit of a visual recollection of its insides that can be filed into your positive memory bank.
The divide and conquer
Another method practised by those with limited stock is to use a big sharp chef’s knife to slice the chocolate serving into slivers, turning a single piece into many. This method is often easier to implement than molecular nibbling, as it tricks the eye into believing you own more chocolate than you really do.
How and when
Most eat chocolate with their hands. But hey, if cutlery is your weapon of choice, then who are we to judge your chocolate habits? Likewise, no judgement here about when you eat your choc.
My chocolate obsession has led me to even ponder the possibility of a chocolate IV drip.
Help me. No, actually, don’t. Just hand me one of those chocolate-coated jellybeans, would you?
This Easter SBS delivers a sweet treat with which premieres Saturday April 11 on SBS at 7:30pm. The program will be encored Sunday April 12 on SBS VICELAND at 3:35pm.
